Shadowlocked

The things you see when you don't have a stake...

Bad films don’t offend me.

If there were no bad films the world would be a worse place, in fact most of modern cinema’s long-lasting frachises are made up of quite bad films. Both Transformers films, most of the Harry Potter films, the last two Pirates of the Caribbean films. All bad films.

And yet I like those films, they’re entertaining despite their obvious flaws and they’re harming nobody. So why does the Twilight franchise get on my nerves so much? Is it the unsettling religous message of abstinance ? Is it that the actors confuse being emotional with being boring? Is it the painfully slow telling of a very basic story? Yes, yes and yes. But most of all it’s the fact that fans are adament that the everything about the films is of the utmost quality.

No.

When a trailer completely puts you off an entire franchise that should be indication enough; but then again it’s not meant for me. It’s meant for teenage girls, young teenage girls at that despite an abundance of older teenage fans that really should know better. There has really been nothing quite like it before. For this age group you’d think of films like St Trinians, Harry Potter and possibly a few of the subtler romantic comedies.

Twilight doesn’t fit in with any of those. It’s closest to Harry Potter, but that film is an ensemble, an array of British talent with a good dose of humour and seven individual stories to tell as part of a wider arc. Twilight is serious. In fact the story is far too serious for it’s audience, and this is why the films are tame.
The basic story is this: Girl meets boy, girl will die if she fucks boy, girl does not want this but does want to fuck boy. Boy is also vampire.

It’s actually a genuinely interesting concept, but it’s stripped back to it’s bare bones. The sexual tension of the situation, the decision of whether to pledge your entire life to one man; it’s interesting! But it’s adult material, definitely not the kind of thing parents would want their young girls to watch. So it’s stripped back. The vampires sparkle and any sexual tension is replaced with staring at shoes. If unhealthy skin and being depressing was as much of a turn-on as it appears to be thanks to Twilight, then I would have been a dynamo at Secondary School.

I don’t like the Twilight films because of the watered down, poorly-acted content. I have no problem with the juvenile fans it’s aimed at. But the sexually frustrated 16-19-year-olds yearning for their own personality-free male model need to grow up, pronto.

The Twilight franchise will be one that Hollywood is very quick to forget. Something newer and far more exciting will come along. Good films will rule the Earth once more and the real film fans among us won’t have to wait for cinemas to dry the seats before watching some proper movies.

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