Shadowlocked

Bring on the sacred cows of cinema - it's barbecue season!

The Godfather (1972)

No film (even Lethal Weapon 2) is guaranteed “diplomatic immunity” when it comes to the final cut, and there’s no denying there are some problems with Francis Ford Coppola’s best-known film. Overlong, some clunky editing at times and some seriously bad overacting from James Caan as Sonny, who looks like he’s walked into every scene with the instruction – scream, shout, wave your arms about like the doorbell’s just interrupted you mid-shower and you’re mad about it.

Better: The Godfather: Part II (1974)

Featuring a powerhouse performance from Al Pacino, some genuinely terrifying moments of unease and thankfully no James Caan, Coppola’s second effort is a rare example of a better sequel. You know I’m right.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)

Over-indulgent and ridiculously long, and that’s just the first two films, but Peter Jackson’s third and final part of the LOTR trilogy suffers most. There’s plenty of fun and action to be had in the first two hours but do we really need more painstakingly slow soft focus shots of Sam staring into Frodo’s eyes or an ending that even Mahut and Isner might say was way too long? Talk about crossing every “T” etc – couldn’t we have just had a nice voice-over or something to finish it all off?

Better: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Much like Star Wars, the middle film turns out to be the best. Fantastic action sequences, the introduction of Gollum and genuine tension with a cliff-hanger ending mean Two Towers gets two thumbs up.

The Departed (2006)

Nit picking here perhaps because few remakes better their original source material, but Scorsese’s over-trumped tale of Boston gang-meister Billy Costigan features another overblown Jack Nicholson performance, a better one from Leo and a pretty dull one from Damon. The fact that Mark Wahlberg stands out as the best thing in the movie speaks volumes.

Better: Infernal Affairs (2002)

Therefore, why remake a modern classic in the first place? Andy Lau’s original tale of good cop/bad “cop” is as good a piece of gangster/Far East cinema you’ll ever see. Real emotion leaps from every page in comparison to the $ signs coming out of Scorsese’s effort.

Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)

Guillermo del Toro is a genius, there’s no denying that. However the main problem with “Pan’s Labyrinth” is the genre. It doesn’t know whether to be a mildly scary fantasy tale or an all-out horror story. Henry Selick’s Coraline seemed to create a more vividly frightening world for its young heroine whereas Del Toro’s alter-world seems a little tame by comparison.

Better: Labyrinth (1986)

Although it’s not that scary (well, David Bowie’s leather trousers were a little tight) Jim Henson’s classic 80s tale is a maze worth getting lost in. Great tunes, good comedy and a firm grasp on the fantasy genre make this a more crowd-pleasing effort.

The Sixth Sense (1999)

The fact that everyone who watches this seems to do so for the “big twist”^TM means they forget about the 2 hours of dull, ponderous dialogue before. Yes the twist is good and some of the moments before a bit scary, but to be a truly classic film you need to have more than one reason to re-watch again.

Better: Signs (2002)

Though Shyamalan may have gone off the boil recently, his best effort came with his third effort which managed to mix humour, suspense and family drama in one – that’s if you forget it’s just little men in green outfits.

Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)

James Cameron made two outstanding movies early on his career. The Terminator is one of them, its sequel is not. Obviously dumbed down for the MTV generation, gone was the tension and brutality of the first film, and in came the wise-cracking Arnie instead - and the most annoying teenager ever to hit the big screen. That’s you Edward Furlong.

Better: Aliens (1986)

Better off watching the second great movie he made in the 80s – a beefed up sequel to Ridley Scott’s masterpiece which managed to be just as scary if not more so.

It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

Much like The Sixth Sense, people only seem to remember the ending of Capra’s best-known film, forgetting the darker themes before. And even when it comes don’t you find that ending horribly twee by today’s standards? If you want to see a more modern take try the Simpsons parody, and if you want to know what life would have been like without you then lighten up, put Back to the Future on and hope for once George McFly takes a real beating this time and Biff wins the girl.

Better: Amelie (2001)

Instead for a real feel-good hit, Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s masterpiece of French fancy features the fabulous Audrey Tautou, ingenious moments and a really, really happy ending (with 2 hours of extra happiness thrown in before!)

Some Like It Hot (1959)

Although it might feature what many consider to be the perfect closing line, surely you can’t deny the set up to get there is a little unlikely and absurd? Obviously packing more in the beauty than brains department, Monroe seems oblivious to the fact two men in drag have the hots for her, instead treating them like “one of the gals”. Plus Tony Curtis’ Junior character has to be worse than the one he pretends to be in the first place.

Better: Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)

Instead settle down to a much better comedy of mistaken identity from the Python team which has just as many men pretending to be women (Terry Jones would wipe the floor with Curtis and Lemmon) and a much better gag rate. Now this is the life!

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