Everything you ever wanted to know about the film! Possibly.

The Cabin in the Woods is one of the most buzzed about, highly anticipated, ground-breaking, and other phrases meaning ‘you have to see it’ films of the year, a fact reflected by our coverage of it here at Shadowlocked. It’s also one of the most mysterious, secretive, highly guarded, and other phrases meaning ‘don’t tell me what happens on pain of death, or possibly just glaring’ films of the year.

While writer-producer Joss Whedon and writer-director Drew Goddard were too busy to sit down with us personally, Joss Whedon’s alarmingly ubiquitous doppelganger Josh Whedon, and Drew Goddard’s crazy female vampire doppelganger Dru (or Drusilla) Goddard, spoke to us about the film in their place.

And if you’re worried about having the film ruined for you, never fear. We put any spoilers through our patented Nonsensifier, rendering even the most spoilery spoilers meaningless, and thus completely harmless. (It replaces any spoilers with randomly chosen nonsense, or if it can’t think of any, then simply the word ‘spoiler’.) Enjoy the following fascinating, if unconventional, interview:

Is it true that you’re just the versions of Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard from an alternate dimension?

JW: No. We’re better-looking.

DG: Also, hurry up, we have to get out of here before the portal closes.

What were your key influences for this film?

JW: Monsters. Scary things. Bunnies.

DG: Or maybe midgets.

JW: Also The Sound of Music.

Dru Goddard, would you say you’re at all influenced by the non-linear storytelling structure of your nakesame, French New Wave director Jean-Luc Godard?

DG: Question is that what kind of a?

At any point in the film, is there a scene where the characters get locked in a room with Fox executives, who sing songs taunting them about the cancellation of Firefly, possibly including the phrase "We can take the sky from you"?

JW: Spoiler.

Do you have any funny stories from being on set?

JW: You still owe me spoiler nachos from when we bet on spoiler spoiler Batman.

DG: Spoiler nunchucks spoiler flooblegarb.

Can you tell us exactly which characters die, when, why, and how? Also, please indicate the emotional impact on the audience, on a scale of ‘Awww…’ to ‘Eeeaaarghhh!’ (You may extend the scale to include ‘Why?! Why?! Why!?’ if necessary.)

JW: Ooble wooble.

DG: No, it’s more like stupidface woozle yoghurt tambourine pies…

JW: Seriously, vwhoosh quarp wibbly bloop.

DG: No, that’s subtext.

Did you include any specific homages in the film?

JW: Yes. The character deaths were homages to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse, etc...

Do you have any ideas for things you’d like to do in a possible sequel?

JW: Yes. It’ll be called The Woods in the Cabin, and you’ll find out that the Cabin actually contains a Japanese rock garden, filled with tiny bonsai trees.

DG: It’ll blow your mind.

JW: And fill you with tiny bonsai joy.

Anything else you’d like to add about the film?

DG: Spoiler spoiler Fran Kranz spoiler spoiler bears.

JW: It’s all about spoiler. Spoiler is the key.

DG: Now you’ve given the whole thing away!

Thank you very much.

The Cabin in the Woods is written by Joss Whedon & Drew Goddard, produced by Joss Whedon, and directed by Drew Goddard, and stars Chris Hemsworth, Jesse Williams, Anna Hutchinson, Kristen Connolly, Fran Kranz, Bradley Whitford, and Richard Jenkins, and is released on Friday 13th April 2012.

See also:

Joss Whedon special editions to undo all character deaths

Fan stakes self after taking quote out of context

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