Thought the Greek economy was bad? Wait till you hear about Immortals...

While slouched in my cinema seat waiting for this “3D epic adventure” to begin, happily munching away on the free popcorn provided, a gentleman arrived and politely asked if the adjacent seat was free. I said that it was and he went to sit down, at which point I clumsily knocked another bag of popcorn onto said seat. The bag wasn’t open understand, so no popcorn was yet spilt, but it was one of those compressed bags, liable to burst if sat upon. Blissfully unaware, the man continued towards a sitting position.

“No! Wait!” I cried out. He stopped, turned, eyebrow-raised, and asked what the matter was. I explained and apologised profusely. “Oh, don’t worry,” he said cheerily, “it’s not even your fault really; as far as I’m concerned they shouldn’t have popcorn in cinemas at all.” “Wow, I feel like I’m sat next to Mark Kermode,” I jested. “Well,” he grinned, “he was the best man at my wedding, so I guess we have some things in common.” Holy freaking feta cheese! It was only Nigel Floyd of BBC Radio 5’s Boyd and Floyd fame.

I relate this anecdote not simply to show off (well, maybe a little...), nor even to demonstrate what a klutz I am, but rather because this episode and the ensuing 10-minute conversation were infinitely more entertaining than the 110-minute film that followed. This unfortunately speaks volumes.

Almost everything about this film is ridiculous. Let’s start with the plot (which means PLOT SPOILERS henceforth people): eons ago the Greek Gods clashed with the Titans, kicked their asses with the aid of the Epirus Bow, and imprisoned them in a mountain. Fast forward to ancient Greece where King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) – having lost his (Elgin) marbles and become seriously pissed at the Gods after watching his family die from disease – is waging war to find the Epirus Bow and unleash the Titans, thus making Greece’s modern, economic, woes look like a walk in the Acropolis by comparison. Thankfully, a young peasant named Theseus (Henry Cavill) has been trained up by a covert-Zeus (John Hurt, in a performance of typical gravitas, seemingly out of a different film altogether) to fight Hyperion and ultimately save the world.

You follow? Well it hardly matters. The plot is little more than a crutch with which to lean some sweeping swordplay on, and if you start to analyse the plot holes you’ll disappear into an abyss. Example: the nagging inconsistency with which the Gods’ golden rule of non-interference in human affairs is applied.

What’s more, there isn’t a quotable line in the whole damn thing. Theseus’ rallying speech to the troops at the end offers the perfect opportunity, but amounts to a raft of clichés – “fight for your children” “fight for your future” – that would have me hoisting the white flag pronto, rather than fighting the good fight for my children and future. Theseus is on-the-whole a damp squib – aided by a one-note performance from Cavill – and it’s mystery why other characters seem magnetically drawn to him beyond his purdy face. Heck, he doesn’t even accomplish his only two tasks in the film: to protect his mother and prevent the release of the Titans.

By comparison, Rourke at least has riotous fun with the mad-as-a-box-of-frogs Hyperion; but it means we laugh along with him, rather than being terrorised. I’m thinking particularly of a scene involving a large hammer and a coward’s quivering genitals which invoked laughter throughout the cinema, either nervous or full-throated laughter depending on whether the laugher was male or female. The rest of the cast fail to register, with the notable exception of the spectacular Lady Gaga/Princess Beatrice headgear sported by the Gods on Mount Olympus.

But never mind eh? So it doesn’t have a plot that makes sense, elucidated by captivating characters sprouting tremendous dialogue; a brainless action binge is just fine now and again. After all, 300 – the producers of which are behind this – was a thoroughly enthralling romp despite having a plot significantly less honed than Gerard Butler’s pecs. Sadly, where the heavily festishised and bloodthirsty action of that film felt fresh at the time, here it’s just a re-hash. Director Tarsem Singh also conspicuously fails to fully exploit his 3D offering; we demand a bit more these days than simply making the swords appear pointier. Annoyingly, we’re given a glimpse of what might have been in the epilogue: a battle in the heavens where warriors duke it out whilst suspended amongst the clouds. It looks bizarre, sure, but at least it doesn’t look like just another battle scene you could have plucked from 300, Troy or even Spartacus.

For all its 3D gimmicks – Greek Gods smashing villains’ heads off with giant hammers in slow-mo, John Hurt transforming into Luke Evans with a swoop of a cape and, err, Freida Pinto’s bottom – a slapstick popcorn episode with another critic proved more memorable for me than Immortals. At times it looks gorgeous, but it’s cold, abstract, and ultimately deflating. All the free popcorn in the world can’t make up for that.

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS ARTICLE, PLEASE HELP SUPPORT OUR SITE, AT NO COST WITH ONE CLICK ON THE FACEBOOK 'LIKE' BUTTON BELOW: