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Gwyneth Paltrow saved woman's life on 9/11 because why not


We're not going to make a movie out of this now, are we?...

Gwyneth Paltrow: X-Woman

Say what you will about Gwyneth Paltrow. She may be the most annoying celebrity on Earth (which is saying something), having pulled back somewhat on a successful movie career in favor of marrying the most pompous blowhard musician in the free world not named 'Bono', giving birth to the most unfortunate offspring this side of Suri Cruise, and becoming the poster child for the most mindblowingly-unasked-for, irritatingly-bourgeois, self-styled super-motherhood since Jenny McCarthy Googled autism, but whatever you call what it is that she's doing these days, she's doing it well. So well that anyone who follows Hollywood news and doesn't name their children after produce is as likely to dislike 'that Paltrow woman' as to have an affinity for breathing oxygen.

If that describes you, you may very well wish that you hadn't clicked on this article, because HELLO ADD LIFESAVING SUPERHERO TO THE LIST! DUH!!! From the pages of The Morton Report comes this most recent Gwynnie gem, which somehow managed to not make headlines for nearly 10 years after this event supposedly happening which isn't suspicious at all. At least the Morton Report writer had the good sense to hook readers by believing this woman's conclusions with the same level of certainty normally reserved for Yankee fans' belief that New York will win the World Series every year during spring training.

"Lara Lundstrom Clarke's life was saved by a Sliding Doors chance encounter with Gwyneth Paltrow on September 11, 2001." [So we're just calling it then? No 'may have been saved' or anything like that, huh? - ed.]

The article goes on to devote a few paragraphs on Ms. Clarke's usual morning routine before the tragedy, taking great pains to describe her "Ann Taylor Loft grey skirt and blouse" and "low kitten heels", because if there's anything one needs to know about a near-death experience, it's "WHAT WAS SHE WEARING???!!!" Finally, the incident in question, where Clarke was jaywalking in Manhattan on 9/11 and nearly got mowed down by film superstar Gwyneth Paltrow...

"It was one of those mornings that felt good [until that whole 'planes crashing into buildings' thing - ed.], you had a little skip in your step. What the heck - I always cross over 7th Street. Then all of a sudden, a silver Mercedes SUV came barreling down towards me. I stopped and it screeched to a halt. Then it developed into one of those classic 'who goes first' situations... Then I made eye contact with the Mercedes driver. It was Gwyneth Paltrow! ... She waved me across, I crossed, and she continued on her way. At least if I was late to work, I had a story to tell."

Great story! You ran across the street like some tourist and almost got turned into something messy that Paltrow had to have the hired help Spray N' Wash off her $120,000 SUV's grille. More stories!

Naturally, though, it gets even better. After the Paltrow incident, Clarke recalls "racing" to the subway stairs and "hurtling" down them, just to find that the train's doors had just slid shut (Sliding Doors reference #2) and the cars were pulling away from the station, leaving her stranded on the platform to await the next one. Once she eventually arrived at her destination, Clarke barely emerged above ground when the first plane hit the World Trade Center and everyone retreated in panic down the stairs. Fifteen minutes later, the second plane impacted the WTC 2, or the South Tower, where Clarke's office existed on the 77th floor...

"That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life - my office exploded."

The Morton Report embellishes this point, evidently in the hopes that Paltrow will read their article and get pre-production moving on this newly-uncovered tale of heroism...

"Still unsure of what she was witnessing, Lara fell to her knees and started dry-heaving, certain that everyone that she knew and loved in her company was dead. It was only towards the end of the day, thanks to the Internet, that she learned that the majority of her co-workers had miraculously survived. Given the fact that the plane's wing sheared through her office, it was astonishing that just four of the 170 staff on duty perished."

Uh...hold on just a minute. Out of the 170 people in her office at the time, 166 of them survived a fricking jetliner straight up crashing through their office despite not experiencing the angelic presence of Gwyneth Paltrow and yet this woman is convinced that GP saved her life? Okaaaaayyy. Apparently not one to let a basic understanding of probability get in the way of gut feeling, Clarke penned a letter to Paltrow and thanked her for saving her life (arguable) and for being a 'positive role model for women out there' (barf).

The Morton Report managed to contact Paltrow's PR rep Stephen Huvane who "confirmed the accuracy of the incident", so I guess we can now add 'photographic memory' to Gwyneth's lists of superpowers. What, you mean you don't remember inconsequential near-misses with pedestrians that happened 10 years ago? Sucks to be you. Huvane added that Paltrow was "deeply moved" upon hearing Clarke's story.

Gwyneth Paltrow saves small people's lives and then is deeply moved afterwards by the experience, everybody! Is it too late to recast Henry Cavill's Superman in Man of Steel? We have a new contender. You're welcome, Internet.


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#1 RE: Gwyneth Paltrow saved woman's life on 9/11 because why not Jimmer 2011-08-22 12:42
Your snark is showing. ;)
#2 Wait, Tell me what you REALLY think! suzyq 2011-08-26 04:34
I agree, though not as vehemently as you! ;)

This surely didn't warrant a "Gwyneth Saved My Life" article by The Morton Report. Must have been a slow day...
Lara was "lucky" she didn't get run down by her Mercedes. It could have ended even worse for her.

I have to say though, that I really think Gwyneth Paltrow was great in Shakespeare in Love & Proof.

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