Wild Cherry meets expectations ... low, low expectations ...

When a film’s most publicized feature is the fact that it stars Kristin Cavallari (who?) then something must be up. In case you don’t know she is one of the hot blonde girls from Laguna Beach and The Hills, those much praised reality-drama staged-real life shows on MTV. The fact that she is billed above actual actors (if you can call them that) such as Malcolm in the Middle and Lost’s Tania Raymonde, Tia Carrere and (heaven help us) Rob Schneider says a lot about how those involved feel about the film and suggests that its audience is ultimately limited.

Selling itself as an American Pie for the girls, Wild Cherry appears to know what it wants to be. That is until the characters begin to speak, a point to which I shall return. There was a brief vogue for gross out teen comedies around the start of the twenty-first century with the likes of the aforementioned ‘dick in pie’ film, Road Trip and Van Wilder: Party Liaison (a cinematic return for National Lampoon) but they never really had much to say. Except for “everyone should have sex before college, and even more while you’re there”. I’m not sure you could ever call any of these films masterpieces, but in comparison with Wild Cherry they certainly seem that way.

Where American Pie had the sex ‘Bible’, this poor female imitation has the ‘Bang Book’, which acts as the central motivator for the film’s action. When Helen discovers that her American Football playing boyfriend is only going out with her because he wants to sleep with her and cross her name off of the list in the Bang Book, she decides to take revenge. Firstly Helen and her two friends (played by Miss Cavallari and Rumer Willis) vow to stay virgins until the end of the football season, ending the superstition that brought about the book in the first place. Then through a series of throwaway scenes the girls 1) meet Tia Carrere’s ridiculous teacher who explains to them the ‘power of the pussy’ which is barely referred to again, 2) play a prank on their boys at the school swimming pool (cue nakedness and fondling) and 3) attend parties.

None of these little episodes really hang together - which isn’t to say they aren’t without the occasional laugh, but where the film stumbles most is in its ‘message’. The film appears to be saying that sex should happen when it happens, no matter how long you have to wait, but the actions of the girls would suggest otherwise. They veer wildly and pretty quickly from standing strong, to giving the boys what they want with no real explanation. Confusing messages dominate the film: should you wait for Mr. Right, go with the first person who’ll have you, or wait just to spite your supposed lover? Who knows? All I learned is that girls change their mind at the drop of a hat and have either zero knowledge of sex or are a fountain of wisdom -surely not what the team behind the film were trying to get across.

One or two moments will stick in the mind though, including an effective gross out moment involving semen ice cubes and Viagra spiked cocktail. I gagged at this scene. Not something I usually do, even watching horror films. Another scene in the same vein, albeit absolutely unnecessary, is the finale involving a cannon and a huge amount of man goo. The reason for this is never fully explained, much like a lot of the episodes in the film. It seems as though the director is clinging to American Pie as she knows that that is what sells - the franchise has amassed four straight to DVD sequels and there is even a reunion currently in the works. This time round the apple pie is replaced by a carrot and Rob Schneider takes the place of Eugene Levy. I laughed once throughout all scenes involving both carrot and Adam Sandler’s best mate, and then that was only because I was reminiscing about that South Park episode where ‘Rob Schneider is: The Carrot’. The most laughs actually come from snippets of interviews that bookend the film, interviews that Willis’ character is collecting for a project on high school sex. I do, however, find it highly unlikely that from her own experiences she will have learned anything profound to put in her documentary.

Wild Cherry is a sub-sub-par American Pie movie ten years too late and devoid of any interesting performances, and in some cases actual acting. To the film’s credit, it does attempt to ‘say something’ about teen sex, but ultimately fails on this front and because it just isn’t funny it is unable to hide from the fact that it can’t figure out what that ‘something’ is. Kristin Cavallari is attractive though.

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