So-called Joffrey-King, and your silly band of medieval k-nights!

"The Pointy End"

Summary: Ned's in prison - friendless, brainless, helpless...hopeless! Cersei on the other hand is too busy to concern herself, making every effort to hold tight to the throne. Not literally though, it's actually made of swords. They may need to baby-proof that thing, with Joff the Jerk sitting on it. (Remember when Arya kicked his tiny, white butt? Good times.) Robb Stark hears about Lord Ned's imprisonment and goes to war with the Lannisters and the Crown. There's an unexpected Walking Dead crossover as Jon Snow saves the Wall from the zombie (here, wight) apocalypse.

(Hey, trivia buffs, this is the only episode in Season One that George R. R. Martin, the author of the series, wrote himself. I bet it's going to kick ass.)

It's mayhem in King's Landing, with Lannister's army slaughtering all the Stark posse left and right and left again. The Lannisters come for Arya, but her Braavosi 'dancing master' is more than a match for everybody except Gregor Clegane (I think), but he sends Arya to safety before fending off the Mountain with half of a wooden sword. And now I love Syrio. Arya sticks the stable boy with the pointy end. Lesson learned.

The Hound comes for Sansa - he looks at her like she makes him feel a little funny; like when he used to climb the ropes in gym class. She is easily manipulated into sending a note to Robb, urging him to come to King's Landing and 'bend the knee' to Joffrey. Robb decides instead to call the banners and make war against the new king. Then he plays some pretty good politics for a brand-new leader, and his mom gives him a pep talk which includes this pithy phrase, "If you lose, your father dies, your sisters die, we die." Hey, no pressure there kid!

Ned's in prison, visited by Varys, who tries to help him understand the gravity of his situation and his family's. This is surprisingly hard work.

Meanwhile, back at the Wall, Jon Snow and co. recover the bodies of two men who went out a-scouting with Uncle Benjen. The bodies seem strange, less - I don't know - decayed than one might expect. Because they are totally the walking dead. Jon saves Commander from the zombie scourge (with the help of Ghost).

Cat tries to rouse Lady Lysa, to get an army from the Vale, but sadly, it's to no a-vale (see what I did there? Clever, ey?) See, Lysa would have to schedule that against her apparently hectic breast-feeding-a-teenager schedule, which I understand is grueling. Cat decides to go to Robb directly and help him with his war.

Tyrion and Bronn are walking, and Bronn is whistling, and I so badly want him to sing, "Brave Sir Robin ran away, bravely ran away!" but he doesn't. And I prepare myself for a lifetime of disappointment, but they are ambushed by a group of Hill People and Tyrion talks them out of certain death and into having an army at their backs. The silver-tongued devil. They make it to Tywin's army, and he agrees that the rough and tumble hill people are good enough for his dwarf son...barely.

Daenerys saves some Lamb Women from rape and slavery in the lands conquered by the Dothraki - and defends her decision to Khal Drogo. One of his commandants argues, and Khal D takes a wound - ripping the guy's tongue out in the process - but Dany entrusts the Khal's well-being to one of her saved slaves, who treats it with a totally non-poisonous poultice (I'm sure!)

Sansa begs a favor from King Joffrey - that they give mercy to Lord Ned. He has to bend the knee to Joffrey, who is bewildered as to why Ned thinks he shouldn't deserve the throne. No idea about the twincest. Sansa assures him that Ned will capitulate - fade to black.

I have to say, I am way more involved in the personal lives of these characters than I should be. And I think that it has to rankle Cersei so much that with all her scheming, plots and multiple murders, she will never actually get that throne for herself. Even if she is Joffrey's Regent, she still has to sit beside the throne. It will go from her husband, to her son, to her other son, or their sons, but never to her. I bet that sucks. I'm so glad.

See also:

Game of Thrones S1E8 review

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