One cripple; one bastard; and a league of broken things vying for the title. Hodor!

"Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things"

Summary: Lord Ned suspects that the former Hand may not have died of natural causes, and tries to root out the secret that got him killed. (If the Starks are so wintery, aren't they familiar with the phrase 'thin ice'?) Tyrion the Imp stops by Winterfell on the way and gets a chilly reception (Hodor!) and further down the road, another unwelcome surprise awaits...courtesy of the Starks. The tournament in Lord Ned's honor takes place at King's Landing. Finally, in the 'bastards' section of the title, we get to see Jon Snow on the Wall, taking care of Samwell Tarly.

Bran has a dream of a three-eyed crow, and Hodor carries him to the throne room. Hodor is a large and adorable man who can only say one word, 'Hodor'; but 'Hodor' can mean many things. Meanwhile, Tyrion Lannister's receives a somewhat cold reception at Winterfell, (Chilly; Hodor!) but designs a saddle for Bran that will allow him to ride because he has a soft place in his heart for cripples, bastards and broken things. (Only three minutes to title? A new record!)

In a two-minute exchange between Tyrion  and Theon Greyjoy we learn that Theon isn't a friend of the Starks (it seemed like he was.) Theon is actually a prisoner, held by the Starks after a failed rebellion was crushed by Ned and King Robert. I enjoy wondering when all of these feeding hands will get bitten.

Jon is training his fellow recruits on the Wall. Samwell Tarly comes in as the newest recruit and gets beat to bits, before Jon Snow interjects and sticks up for him(Go bastards!) So, five minutes in we have cripples, bastards, and is Samwell Tarly the broken thing? His backstory would lead one to believe it, as his father sent him to the Wall as an alternative to dying in a hunting accident. Jon decides that the other recruits should take it easy on Sam; he backs it up with Ghost.

Daenerys rides to Vaes Dothrak. Maybe Viserys is the broken thing; he's definitely a bastard. Daenerys asks Jorah if the Dothraki could conquer the seven kingdoms. Ah, the lady is ambitious! Love it. Viserys is having a sexy candelit bath with Dany's serving girl, whilst developing some (Hodor!) poetic lyrics about the death of dragons. Danerys and Viserys have another conflict; Viserys tries to beat her down and she stands up for herself... Hodor! She suggests that it may be in Viserys' best interest to respect the Khaleesi. And stop saying "Wake the Dragon" too, it's weird and off-putting. Not as weird and off-putting as incest - or him beating her up all the time - but still.

Sansa and Septa Mordane contemplate the Iron Throne and Sansa's future with Joffrey. Sansa is slightly less enamoured of Joff since he was the cause of her direwolf's execution; plus he's stopped wooing her. Also, he's icky. Meanwhile, Arya practices seems committed to her swordfighting lessons; looking to an entirely different future than Sansa.

Lord Ned increases security for the tourney. The Grand Maester talks with him about John Arryn, the previous Hand's death. He gives Lord Ned the book that Arryn was reading when he died, and when Ned suggests death by poison, Grand Maester Flash reminds Ned that poison is the weapon of eunuchs; he does everything but a "Varrys!" cough. Petyr Baelish sends Ned to see Hugh John, Arryn's squire, before sending him to an armorer in order to search for clues about Arryn's death. (I want him to say 'a clue' in a Scooby Doo voice.) Gendry is the boy at the armorer's that Arryn was investigating; Lord Ned realizes that Gendry is one of King Robert's bastard children. Another bastard!?!

Tourney! Ser Gregor Clegane is up first against Hugh, Arryn the Hand's prior squire. (Hey, that rhymes! Hodor!) I must admit that the Mountain's execution of the prior squire is both gory and disgusting, and very fitting within the series. Littlefinger Baelish tells Sansa the story of the Mountain and the Hound. Lord Ned and Cersei have a secret meeting during the tourney: she thinks he might be onto her. He thinks she might be on to him.

Lady Cat is traveling North, after telling Lord Ned at King's Landing that Tyrion the Imp engineered Bran's assassination attempt. And who should walk into the inn, but the Imp himself? Cat calls upon the men at the inn to seize him, and help her take him to Winterfell as prisoner.

It is literally unbelievable how much story HBO can pack into a single hour of TV. In a 2-minute exchange with Tyrion, we get the whole history of Theon Greyjoy; we get a character of interest through someone who was barely a blip on the radar yesterday. Samwell Tarly is introduced, fully fleshed-out (Hodor!) and cemented as Jon's best friend; before the vocally-limited giant brings out Jon's best side as well. All the major characters appear, the plots are all moved forward at an astonishing pace, and the effects are really, really good. I love this show.

See also:

Game of Thrones S1E4 review

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