Aaron focuses on Artie this week...

In another case of putting the cart before the horse (or however that saying goes), Glee’s writers have decided to side-arm a theme episode at us. This time around, it’s the album Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, legendarily written when (as the episode will never let us forget) the band was in a shambles and would only talk to each other in relation to the record. No matter how many times the group makes up at the end of an episode, they’ll always be bickering over some relationship-based horseshit within a couple weeks, cause that’s as far as the show can be relied upon for drama.

Pro: Brittany hosts her own internet talk show called “Fondue for Two,” which doesn’t have two people on it for either of its appearances this episode.

Con: It will probably only show up once more before the show ends, if that.

Pro: Lord Tubbington. He can have cheese because he’s on Atkins... when he’s not reading Brittany’s diary.

Con: Sue... again. I think it’d be great if she just went away for a year or so. Like, maybe prison. That way, the writers can save up all their shitty ideas, then sift through them to find the ones which aren’t completely terrible instead of just putting whatever stream of consciousness drivel they come up with on screen solely for the sake of giving Sue something to do. Maybe if we have the chance to miss her, we’ll more readily accept her insipid shenanigans.

Maybe my complete disinterest-bordering-on-antipathy toward Sue comes from the total lack of motivation given for her persistent attempts to break up glee or just get rid of Will in specific. Action without motivation is just flapping one’s arms in a vacuum, which never got anyone anywhere.

Pro: April’s back, but... God, what’s up with her arms? She’s like a bobblehead with little mantis limbs - it’s creepy.

Con: April reminds Will how she “bought” the auditorium for glee... that still bothers the shit out of me.

Pro: She’s back to give Will a subplot , which shockingly isn’t to do with any thing directly shippy.

Pro: Santana’s confrontation with Brittany about semi-outing her in the school’s newspaper, The Muckraker. No, she couldn’t figure out any other way to say it.

Con: Will saying “I’ve wanted to do a whole lesson devoted to a single album for a long time” doesn’t make it sound any less like it’s coming directly from the mouth of a writer on some DVD extra.

LogiCon: So, Will wants the club to come together and stop arguing, bitching, sniping and being paranoid by spitting into groups to cover songs from an album about bitching, sniping, backstabbing, cheating and lying. Jesus Christ... Will, I think you do need to leave.

Pro: I love Artie’s rich musical fantasy life. Puck coalescing from the ether behind him with an acoustic guitar was an excellent touch. As long as it was a fantasy, though, he should’ve got up and walked; I think Artie should have more fantasy sequences and that he ought to walk in all of them. “Why?” you may ask? I’m so glad you did!

See, Artie is one of the only characters with a clear-cut, believable flaw: he’s detrimentally insecure, not just because he’s a cripple, but also because he’s a nerd whose mom cuts his hair. Somehow, he’s managed to snag the hottest girl in school and he’s paranoid (rightfully so) that Santana is trying to steal her away. His insecurities, which stem mainly from his disability, manifest in being a prick to his girlfriends. Some may say he needs to get over it, but that expectation’s not even remotely realistic. He has to deal with being irreparably abnormal at a time in his life where normality is paramount.

They haven’t said it outright, but Artie seems (to me, at least) very bitter and he takes it out on those emotionally closest to him. Tina, he initially rejected because she had (badly) faked a lisp, then (because the writers needed to pair him off) they go together when she fronted him off about demanding she change her style (which Jenna Ushkowitz believes she only does to piss her mother off). When Tina left him because he basically ignored her all summer, he moped and tried to win her back by getting on the football team, disability be damned.

His rejection of her and her subsequent rejection of him both stemmed from his frustration and self-pity. His initial rejection of Brittany revolved around her taking his virginity without... what, without his permission? Without considering his feelings? He claimed that because after his accident, he didn’t know if his dick would work, somehow making his virginity even more of a special flower that Brittany callously plucked and discarded. Then, again out of nowhere, they got together and insecurity reared its head last night.

It’s not directly implied, but in every one of these situations, he brings up his inability to walk. Why bring it up if it isn’t a problem? The girls never bring it up, only Artie, which leads me to believe it’s his principal preoccupation and that his problems begin there. Paralysis is something some people never get over, causing interpersonal (among other) problems for the rest of their lives.

As this is my read on Artie’s character flaw, and he’s been shown in a previous fantasy number walking combined with his greatest dream being a desire to dance, I think it would not injure the show in any way if Artie could walk in his imaginary numbers. There’s a precedent and it would subtly underscore his character flaw without hammering on it like the other characters.

Con: I still hate it when the characters use meta portmanteau couple names. Unless they say “Kurt Coblaine,” which would just be concentrated awesomesauce.

Pro: Santana sings another “I Love You” song to Brittany. As much as I enjoy Naya Rivera’s voice and have enjoyed this subplot... I’ve had enough.

Con: It’s not that it isn’t well done in ways that the show usually reserves for Kurt (who, you’ll notice has very little to do this week), but the longer Santana’s deeply rooted desire to both have Brittany and stay in the closet continues without explanation, the harder it is to stay on board with. This is the perfect opportunity to explore a character’s backstory and motivations. Why is she so scared of coming out? Ignoring this doesn’t help the show any and it only damages Santana as a character.

Brittany even says it out loud when Santana finishes singing, “Why couldn’t you sing that in front of everyone?” Santana deflects but does not explain; are they saving it for something? If that’s the case, I understand, but the subplot has gone on too long now and the forthcoming event will have less impact due to the poor pacing.

Pro: I did dig the throwaway earlier in the episode about the “cheerleader in the closet,” which Finn thinks is a reference to Quinn before Rachel waves her hand dismissively, “No, that’s Santana.” Seems like everyone she associates with already knows.

Pro: Brittany wants to ask Santana to prom on her talk show. So cute.

Pro: I don’t know what it is, specifically, but something in Chris Colfer’s finally looks like a grown-up. Granted, that doesn’t help him play a teenager ::coughPuckcough::

Pro: Even though I have no vested interest in the album this week’s songs came from, I can’t deny that Agron and Montieth did a great job on their duet... which I think is the first time those two have had a song together.

Con: Will! You’re the teacher/coach! It’s your responsibility to stop the students from bickering about personal issues on class/club time!

Con: And another thing, if they’re in class, what are all those people doing walking past the door during class time? If they’re in an after school meeting, what do all the scenes end with the bell ringing? I understand things like keeping a frame busy and audio transitional devices, but you can have those things in a show and still have them make fucking sense!

Con: I don’t mind so much that Will is having an existential dilemma about whether or not to run off to the big city and follow his teenage dreams, but it comes out of nowhere. There’s no buildup to anything on this show, but it wants to occasionally pretend there’s some kind of continuity when it’s not being purely episodic. After two years, like Santana, they still haven’t figured out how to have their cake and eat it.

One of the intolerable things about Glee is how it throws around an inordinate amount of illogic and major emotional crises cropping up from nowhere, but that it’s implied I’m not supposed to question any of that and just be buoyed along from moment to moment, never noticing how preposterous it all is. If Will wants to go as badly as we’re shown he does during his scene with Emma, that’s something that should have been hinted at earlier and subtly built to, rather than sprung on us and discarded by the end of next week.

Pro: Poor, narratively neglected Sam now really is poor. Actually, “homeless” would be a better way of putting it: Finn and Rachel’s plot this week revolved around spying on Sam at a seedy motel on the edge of town; turns out Sam’s family’s been living there for the last couple months. Ahem... not to be a stickler for detail, but rent on a shitty efficiency apartment (the existence of which has been established by Terri) would be considerably less than even the fleabaggiest of motels. Oh shit, I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to think of things like that. Oh well, at least that scene where Sam says he probably won’t be going to prom makes more sense.

Con: Of course, that just gives the group a cause to devote themselves to next week: send Sam to prom. Oh, and they better not pull any can’t-be-gay-at-prom-ripped-from-the-headlines bullshit next week, either. Tell me a fucking story! Make something up!! Goddammit!

Anyway, the episode ends with everyone doing “Don’t Stop” as some pick-me-up from Sam... or something, I stopped paying attention. So now everyone’s friends again - at least until next week.

Grade: B-

Songs

All songs by Fleetwood Mac (except as noted *)

*“Fondue for Two” - Brittany
“Dreams” - April w/ Will
“Never Going Back Again” - Artie
“Songbird” - Santana
“I Don’t Want to Know” - Quinn and Finn
*Excerpt from Crossrhodes - April and Will
“Go Your Own Way” - Rachel
“Don’t Stop” - Nude Erections

Random Observations

April - a side note: Her hush money settlement was for two million dollars, which isn’t enough money to mount a damn thing on Broadway, much less an all-white production of The Wiz. Also, since it tanked, shouldn’t she be broke? With what money is she planning to produce Crossrhodes: the April Rhodes Story? Did she pull off some kind of shady Uwe Boll-esque tax loophole that somehow made her more money than she lost? Was this some kind of super-subtle reference to The Producers? No, that’d be giving the show too much credit.

Fondue for Two - in the second episode, the Brittany doll from “Audition” is in the armchair behind her. Subtle fanwank goes a long way with me.

Will - Since every single number springs, fully-formed, from the foreheads of the characters, we’ve never had a single scene where Will teaches them anything about music, i.e.: how to read it, what different voice types are, how they harmonize, etc. I guess we are just to assume they all have studied this on their own or are simply prodigies?

On a similar note - Has Mike never had a dance lesson? Did he learn to dance that well (his only narrative function) just alone in his room?

Family Update - Sam has not just a father, but also a mother, younger brother and even younger sister (the latter two we actually see). Artie is confirmed to have a mother.

Sam - has a Bikini Kill sticker on his guitar case.

Rachel, Finn and Quinn - had some kind of subplot this week, but they bore me, so I didn’t talk about it.

The Muckraker - I get that it was the running joke of the episode, but couldn’t Will, even at the end, have explained to them what “muckraking” means.

Great Lines

Mercedes - (about fondue) It tastes the way a baby’s diaper smells.

Rachel - Hey! Sam - (wary) Why are you talking to me?
Rachel - Can’t I say hello?
Sam - I guess, it’s just... Santana told me never to speak alone with you because you’d try to steal all of my gold.

Sue - [The school newspaper is] no longer concerned with facts, fact-checking, integrity or facts; the Muckraker motto: “If I heard it, it’s probably true... or something.”

Artie - You’re the hottest girl in school and I wear saddle-shoes on legs that don’t work.

Brittany - I’m so sad... sad little panda.

Brittany - (about the piano player) what about him?
Santana - He’s just furniture -- no offense. [Piano player shrugs]

Brittany - Is that the truth? Or are you lying like when you didn’t give a straight answer about the lacy panties?

Sue - I’m sure you don’t dispute that legendary bratwurst-gobbler April Rhodes is in town.

April - A show choir championship? Will, that’s their dream! Yeah, at one point it was yours and mine, but look where it got us: we’re standing on the exact same stage wishing we could have done something bigger.

Will - Emma, did you wash those grapes at home?
Emma - I just rinsed them. Yeah, I put the whole bunch in a colander and I just let cold water run right over them... for a half-hour, so...