Aaron's calling detention again...

Well, that was just disappointing. In a ridiculous contrivance, Nude Erections now doesn’t have any of the Cheerios’ money, but by the end of the hour, they have it. Mercedes feels like she’s not getting the respect she deserves, but she has “respect” confused with “recognition” because she can’t see past the Aretha Franklin song she learned the word from. Finally, Sue conspires with one-note villains Dustin Goolsby (featuring the Wrath of Sunshine), Sandy Ryerson and Terri to break up Will and Holly, heckle the glee club at their fundraiser concert and do nothing, respectively.

That’s really it. A few little things happened: Santana had a good scene sticking up for Kurt Co-blaine, Mike got to talk (and dance!), the Will and Emma... thing... got rolling again and Rachel didn’t sing, which was nice. So today, in lieu of a scene-by-scene or point-by-point breakdown of what sucked and what didn’t about last night’s episode, I’m going to deconstruct a few of the more unbelievable aspects of what happened and why, even in this show’s fictional universe, they make no sense.

Mentioning a Problem Isn’t the Same as Doing Something About It!

This is a common problem for Glee, where they think that by making some sort of meta-reference to fan issues, it negates their responsibility for it. An example is Mercedes, who in this episode feels like she’s not as well used as say, Rachel. Amber Riley, like other actors on the show (Jenna Ushkowitz, Harry Shum Jr., Lauren Potter) isn’t that good at her job, but she does her best and is a good singer. Her character is woefully underused, which is unfortunate despite her handicap of talent. It’s unfortunate because this is supposed to be an ensemble and as such, some characters are going to be left out every now and then; but Mercedes has only ever been given a handful of things to do, which have (with the exception of her inane crush on Kurt) revolved I some way around food or her size/weight.

Instead of trying to develop her by giving her some kind of backstory or fleshing out her home life or doing something to make her more of a character, the writers instead opt to have the other characters tell her that the reason she is underused is her fault. Okay, by the end of the episode, she gets another solo, but this will likely be the last thing of note Mercedes does this season, as there are five episodes left, including next week’s ninety minute Kurt-a-thon (though Dave and Santana will more than likely be featured players) and Nationals. Speaking of which...

How are Vocal Adrenaline Going to Nationals?

So, when I participated in competitive arts contests in high school, they were organized on a district, state and national level. If you won (or placed high enough) at Districts, you went on to State and so on. Assuming this is a logical progression, we’ll posit that the Gleeverse show choir competition works the same way. Last year, Nude Erections won their Sectional (district) by beating the Jane Addams Academy for Girls and Haverbrook School for the Deaf and competing at Regionals (state level) against Oral Fixation and losing to Vocal Amphetamine of Carmel High School (Carmel is a one-horse town, so we’ll assume it’s in Mount Carmel, near Cincinnati) who went on to win Nationals yet again.

This year, at Sectionals they beat the Hipsters from the Warren Township Continuing Education Program (there are five Warren Townships in Ohio, all of which are on the other side of the state, so how they’re in the same district is unfathomable) and tied with the Garglers of Dalton’s Academy of Tolerance (which would be a four-hour daily commute for Kurt; how can he afford all those clothes and the staggering amount of gas that Chrysler SUV he drives must eat up), both of which then performed at Regionals, where Vocal Amphetamine were conspicuously absent. Now, we’re informed by their new coach that Vocal Amphetamine are “a lock to beat McKinley at nationals.”

How?

If Carmel didn’t compete (and win) at Regionals, how are they going on to Nationals? Are there more than one school from each state competing? Backing up for a second, how are the Hipsters in the same Section as Nude Erections but Vocal Amphetamine, who are actually much physically closer, are not? I know I’m waaaaaay overthinking this aspect (an admission, which from me, is saying something), but Florida’s school system has nine districts (sections) and is a third bigger in square mileage with a higher population density than Ohio. Even making allowances for the restructuring of school district lines, the likeliness of these discrepancies is absurd.

Regardless, I would have accepted any explanation for why/how they could be competing against McKinley at Nationals, but none was given, so I must make one up. You remember in The Karate Kid III, when (for no apparent narrative reason) Daniel only had to fight in the last match to defend his title because he had won the previous tournament (even though Johnny fought all the way through to defend his title)? I’m imagining it’s like that, only somewhere in the margins, there is less inanity and guesswork.

How is Sue Not in Prison?

Not only has she physically assaulted several students, vandalized school property and contributed to the delinquency of a minor, now she has embezzled county funds (the Cheerios’ budget) which were supposed to go to Nude Erections into offshore accounts in the Caymans. Wow. Then Will just shrugs like, “Herp derp, better sell some candy to pay for our trip to Nationals.” Put Sue in fuckin' jail! Since the writers have no good use for her any more, ship her off Allen Correctional Institution, conveniently located in Lima! Then she can escape and nothing will ever come of it because that’s how the show works.

Where Are Their Parents?

How is it that when the club decides to put on a show to earn money so the academic decathlon team can go to their Nationals in Detroit (don’t ask), even if not a single student shows up, they wind up playing to only four hecklers and Kurt Co-blaine? Between the thirteen members of the club, there are about twenty parents (and maybe a few siblings) who could/would/should attend, not counting Mercedes’ mom, who brought her gospel choir to back her up again. Though this would only be marginally better than the six people who did attend, at least it would establish that they have parents and that they aren’t a dozen magically independent teenagers. Of the two dozen or so family members of the group, eleven have appeared on-screen*.

It’s not terribly important to introduce them or give them lines and establish them, quite the opposite (Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on six years before we ever met Xander’s parents), but this is a school club who occasionally give public performances and need an audience. I understand that they are the lowest of the low as far as students go and that no students would show up; I’ll accept that as part and parcel to the show’s twisted concept of high school popularity constructs.

However, don’t the backing band have families? There’s about ten people right there. What about Mercedes’ church? If the choir is performing back up, don’t they have families or spouses or just members of the general congregation who would support them? How about that middle school orchestra (and where the hell did they come from?) that played behind Holly? There’s about fifty family members right there! Did those kids fucking apparate at McKinley’s auditorium, not needing their parents for a ride? Maybe they all walked, even that four-and-a-half foot tall cello player.

Their competitions fill a 1,910 capacity theater at the sectional and regional level - not a single one of those people will come see a winning group perform at their own school?

And Worst of All...

It was just boring.

Oh, and the show’s usual teeter-totter relationship with funny and sad didn’t work at all. The only sad portion that even remotely resonated was Will’s scene with Emma where he put on her plastic glove and shined one of her grapes for her. Shit or get off the pot, guys; my patience wears thin...

Grade: D

Songs

“All by Myself” - Eric Carmen [Celine Dion arrangement] (the Wrath of Sunshine)
“I Follow Rivers” - Lykke Li (Tina)
“Bubble Toes” - Jack Johnson (Mike [all dancing, no singing])
“Turning Tables” - Adele (Holly)
“Ain’t No Way” - Aretha Franklin (Mercedes)

Random Observations

Math - is not Will’s strong suit.

Dave - what the hell was he doing there? Even if his cover story was true (lifting weights), what was he doing in the part of the school Kurt Co-blaine just happened to be walking through?

Holly’s little speech about people hating Gwyneth Paltrow - and that IS what she was talking about. Fuck you, Gwynnie, and fuck you, Glee writers, with your ridiculous transparent semi-allegorical meta-commentary disguised as poorly-written condescension about actual issues (like cyber-bullying).

Mike’s dance - would have been a lot better if it hadn’t been edited like a modern fight scene. IF THE CAMERA IS TOO CLOSE AND THE EDITING TOO FAST, WE CAN’T SEE WHAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE IMPRESSED BY!

If the club has no money - how did they pay for their sets?

*Nude Erections’ families - The ones who’ve appeared on-screen (to whatever use) are: Artie’s dad (seen loading Artie into their van), Rachel’s dads (in a photostrip), Tina’s father (Will’s divorce attorney), Quinn’s parents, Finn’s mother and step-father, Mercedes’ mother and Puck’s mother and sister (watching Schindler’s List on Simchas Torah). The families mentioned but not shown: Tina’s mom, Quinn’s sister, Brittany’s sister (I’m pretty sure she’s mentioned having parents, but I’m not certain), Mike’s mom, Sam’s parents and Santana’s father. Lauren apparently sprung fully formed from the earth.

The Wallis Simpson bit - was pretty funny.

Great Lines

Brittany - I love salt water!