Joss Whedon special editions to undo all character deaths
|NEWS - TV NEWS|
'Numfar! Dance of Joy' editions on the way...
If there’s one thing Joss Whedon’s famous for, aside from awesomeness, it’s killing off beloved characters. (And quotable dialogue, and dextrous genre-hopping, and immersive world-building, and so on and forth…)
And now, Joss Whedon has decided to reverse all of the character deaths in his work, including Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse, Doctor Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog, Serenity, Astonishing X-Men, and Fray.
The cult auteur explained:
“When my fans see me, 90% of them love me, but the other 10% burst into tears and accuse me of murdering their favourite character. Okay, some of those 10% accuse me of murdering several of their favourite characters, and then they have a mini-argument with themselves over which one’s actually their favourite, and exactly how much they hate me. I thought I loved crazy characters, but now… I’ve just had enough.”
“To be honest, I’ve been getting tired of people telling me what to write and what not to write. This is my ‘Verse, hello? Which is partly why I wrote Dollhouse. Also Eliza Dushku. And Gouda pizza. But mostly because of serious philosophical questions about things like the relationship between artist and audience. But then some people hated it, and gave up before it got awesome. Seriously, it gets awesome.”
“But after thirteen years of this—seriously, people, Passion was over thirteen years ago, and you’re still giving me a hard time over it—I can’t take it anymore. It’s getting very, very crowded! I’m heart broken about it, but I’ll make the stupid changes, okay, people? Now hopefully they’ll stop bugging me about this, so I can get back to making up words that don’t exist but sound awesome…y. Words that sound awesome-y.”
He then added, “And also it might have had something to do with that fan staking himself after totally misinterpreting what I said about killing everyone.”
In response to queries, Joss Whedon confirmed that the changes would include characters who’ve died twice.
It was also planned to replace every monster with a fluffy bunny, but on seeing test footage of the conversion process, Joss Whedon reportedly bolted out of the room, shrieking in terror. He was later diagnosed with Anya Syndrome.
The reaction to this announcement has been strong and very mixed, to say the least. Here are some of the most representative quotes:
“When Joss killed off _____, my life was ruined. I changed my name to Holtz, and devoted my life to destroying him. I’ve secretly brought about the cancellation of three of his shows, Firefly, Angel, and Dollhouse. But now, he might be spared.”
“Squee! Now my fanfiction ‘_____ and _____ Live Happily Ever After’ is one step closer to being accepted as canon!”
“All these emotions! What’s going on? First Joss Whedon makes us feel happy, then sad, then excited, then scared, then laughing, then sad, and now happy again! It’s so confusing!”
“What?! _____’s dead?! No, _____’s not dead! They’re not! They never were! It’s all lies!”
“Joss Whedon’s toying with our emotions again! He’s just lulling us into a false sense of security before killing off every single character in one fell swoop.”
“Is _____ dead or is _____ not dead? It’s like Schrödinger’s cat...Schrödinger’s Miss Kitty Fantastico!”
“Yeah, but what about _____? Because they’re evil, and I kind of want them to be dead…”
“Joss has special editions? He’s shallow like Lucas!”
“This is as bad as when George Lucas changed the Star Wars films and when he made those new ones that weren’t exactly the same as the ones he made before that I loved! I’m replacing my ‘Joss Whedon is my master now’ T-shirt with a ‘J.J. Abrams is my master now’ T-shirt. Or maybe ‘Christopher Nolan is my master now’. Or Peter Jackson. And then I’ll move on to someone else when he does something I don’t like.”
“Can I just say, ‘gyegh!’”
“I see your ‘gyegh!’ and raise you a ‘gnyaah!’”
“How? What? How?”
“Three excellent questions.”
An unnamed radical feminist said: “This is just another example of trying to cover up the latent misogyny inherent in his work. Also, men are evil.”
However, according to an unnamed TV executive at an unspecified network: “He’s on the right track. Now all he needs to do is make a procedural like all our other ones, scrap his ridiculous fixation with ‘character’, forget about those silly ‘ongoing story arcs’, and he’ll be renewed / not-cancelled for 19 seasons.”
That was well said, wasn’t it? Had a kind of poetry to it.
Now that the news is out, the question that remains is: where do we go from here? Well, according to industry insiders, Quentin Tarantino is said to be considering applying the same process to the Kill Bill films.
Next, Joss Whedon is said to be teaming up with Bryan Fuller and Tim Minear to create a sci-fi TV series starring Summer Glau on FOX that won’t be cancelled. It’s rumoured that the show is called “Cancellation”, and is a quirky genre mish-mash, employing copious amounts of meta-textuality. Joss Whedon said “Well, we got the idea from watching a show called Cancellation…”, but then his comments were cancelled by FOX. Some fans believe that FOX has sent killer robots from the future back in time to stop them coming up with the idea, so they’re a mite twitchy.
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