Top 10 gaming characters you would love to kick up the arse
|LISTS - VIDEOGAME LISTS|
It's a rare event, but every once in a while a videogame gives us a character that, whether immediately or over time, we come to loathe. But just who are the worst offenders...?
Batman was every child’s hero, but when the world was introduced to Robin we couldn’t help resent Mr Wayne for befriending this weak, skinny Noddy lookalike; it was okay though because we hadn’t just spent £40 on it. Thus when characters pop up in a game that make you want to physically grab your chosen console and hurl it into the street, in the hope that a passing lorry will be gratitious enough to run it over, we know the creators have made a mistake.
So, after much deliberation, Shadowlocked is delighted - but positively enraged - to bring you the top ten characters we would love to "kick up the arse", as Father Ted would say:
10. Princess Peach (Super Mario)
Okay, so maybe on Mario's first outing all we had to do was jump over a couple of waddling mushrooms, but by the end he was taking on numerous amounts of ghosts and fire-breathing monsters; and all this for a 2-dimensional princess who simply kissed him on the cheek. Not only is she frigid, she also seems to get captured through her own stupidity every time Mario gets within 1 metre of her - does the woman not realise he has a plumbing company to run back home? Mario, it’s time to get back to what you know - blockages and jumpsuits - and let this oaf sort her own problems out...besides, you never even got past first base.
9. Martin Brundle (Formula 1 97)
Formula 1 97 was a great game on the PS1. However, the quote by Martin Brundle ‘you’re right there Murray’ that appeared every single second Murray Walker had said a sentence was more repetitive than listening to a hundred Lemmings shouting ‘Yippee’ at the end of a level. It’s hard to criticise a commentary team that involves Murray, but when you’ve flung your McLaren in to the final barrier of Monte Carlo and Brundle belts what appears to be his one and only quote, all you feel like doing is finding his house and hurling the biggest Murray Mint you can gather onto his head.
8. Mortimer Goth (The Sims)
So, you have just moved into a house in a brand new neighbourhood, are on the lookout for a job and want to decorate your house. Unfortunately, this idyllic situation is abruptly cut short by one pretentious individual who refuses to stop knocking on your door to introduce himself; thankfully, five knocks later he gets the hint and goes. However, never one to let a challenge beat him, Mortimer refuses to give up the fight and returns every day for about a week, making you want to rip the doorbell out and shove it down his virtual throat. One way to get him back is sleep with his wife Bella who, if she existed in real life, would be pretty hot. (Ed: Nothing says 'leave me alone' like breaking a commandment.)
7. Tails (Sonic The Hedgehog)
The obsession we had with the Sonic series was that the characters were quick, vicious and as cool as the ice in my freezer. So when we were introduced to the softly-spoken fox with two tails we weren’t immediatedly full of hatred, but these deelings soon developed when we realised he caused more problems than he helped. In co-op mode it was impossible for the team of Sonic and Tails to work together due to the sheer differences of their ability; one being the fastest creature on the planet and the other being better suited as a pet in an care-home - I’m sure you can guess who’s who. However, my main grievance towards Tails is his sheer cuteness, because you don’t buy a Sonic title for the cuteness; that’s what Furbies were for.
6. Scotty To Hotty (WWF Smackdown 2)
When we saw the rooster for Smackdown 2, every wrestling fan felt as excited as Heather McCartney’s bank account; we had the fatness of Rikishi, the flair of Essa Rios and the fear of Cactus Jack. One new character that did cause a problem however was Jedward's style inspiration, Scotty 2 Hotty. While Scotty may have been a fan favourite at the time, his transition to WWF Smackdown 2 was somewhat insulting. Scotty's finishing move, ‘The Worm’, was so ineffective that it caused your opponent to stand up quicker than Scotty himself, ultimately meaning that victory was near impossible. Furthermore, this peculiar situation was knocked up a notch when Scotty's tag-team partner insisted on trying to finish a match by lifting his thong up and rubbing his huge backside in the enemy's face; I’ll give you a hint...it wasn’t Trish Stratus.
5. Lazy Staff (Theme Hospital)
Everything is going well in your hospital; business is booming, patients are being cured and you’ve shot every rat that terrorizes your patients. Then one lazy doctor takes a break and you are one staff member down, then a nurse and handyman follows so you hire more people. Suddenly, your staff room is busier than a brothel in Amsterdam, and staff members are wandering round the hospital aimlessly, confused as to where they should be until you place every single one back in their rooms again.
Eventually, the whole hospital is in chaos and you're just about ready to throw your PC on the floor when you receive a message from the bosses saying your services are no longer required. Finally, as you stand dejected - a broken and physically-drained man (or woman) - it all dawns on you...this all began because one lazy doctor was unable to work longer than an hour without forgetting where he was meant to be.
4. Pac-Man (Pac-Man)
He’s yellow, round and greedy; and no, I’m not describing Homer Simpson. I am talking about the little, two-dimensional character whose sole purpose in life is to simply eat all the little white dots around him. Occasionally, our glutonous full-stop gets a bit greedier, devouring bigger dots in the quest to engulf other creatures his own size...and yet he never puts on an ounce of weight. So, while the Pac-Man franchise is unlikely to last forever, Pac-Man himself may find success through a number of other ventures; possibly as the new face of Weight Watchers or even as the latest celebrity to release a fitness video.
3. Mike Tyson (Punch Out)
In Punch Out, you must got through an array of characters as you attempt to be crowned world champion. It’s not the hardest game around, but this all changes when you come up against Iron Mike; but hang on a minute, what's going on here? The Incredible Hulk has decided to swap places with him. Suddenly you stand in the ring with a guy five times the size of you and every time you get punched it appears a ton of gold is hitting you in the face, flinging you to the ground. As a former student of Punch Out, I can safely say that you have a better chance of jumping over the river Thames than you do of defeating Tyson. I know he had a big ego, but this is just ridiculous.
2. Von Mistelroum (Pro Evolution Soccer)
No this isn’t a typo or a personal dig at the former Manchester United hero Ruud Van Nistelrooy. This is a dig at every character ever to have a ridiculous name on Pro Evo. As much as the game was amazing and revolutionary it just always had that level of annoyance that you’re not playing with the teams and players that you idolise. You don’t spend £40 to win the Master League with North London - you spend that kind of money to win the Premiership with Arsenal - and, in the words of David Brent, that is a ‘fact’.
1. 50 Cent (Bulletproof)
What many of you won't know is that 'Fiddy' was asked to provide the voice over for the much loved Carl Johnson in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but he declined, stating that he only wanted to play himself in a videogame. So, when the opportunity arose to play the self-centred rapper, actor and now videogame character we see in Bulletproof, we all knew he was going to struggle to live up to the hype. At every moment, your character is filled with anger and, as much as you try to ignore it, you are forced to continually watch his poor attempt at a limp. 50, you have produced some great songs over the years - and we even warmed to you in your movie - but playing yourself in Bulletproof was the type of self-obsessed, over-indulgent action that made me want to go to the nearest candy shop and watch it burn to the ground.
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