New songs and a guest appearance can't save this rather drab episode...

It’s competition time again on Glee and nobody’s happy: Kurt is beginning to resent Blaine’s monopolization of the Garglers’ solos while Rachel and Quinn bicker over Finn... again.  Santana’s gay panic continues, taking her frustrations out on Brittany and Sam as Sue plots the downfall of Nude Erections... again.  The glee members audition original music for each other so Will can make a wrong decision... again.  Can the club pull a set list together in time to ensure an entirely predictable outcome... again?

Pro:  Kurt’s “I’m so over this” face.

Con:  The whole scene where the Garglers bicker with each other pompously over inanity.  I mean, it was supposed to be comical, but came off like crowd scenes on South Park where everyone in town gets incensed and goes, “rabblerabblerabble!!!” only less amusing.

Pro:  This is broken up by Kurt singing another sad Beatles song while Blaine makes “Oh God, I’m in love with my best friend” eyes.

Con:  Sue.  I’m just over Sue.  She makes it clear that she has no Cheerios to coach and she doesn’t appear to teach anything, so... what is she doing there?  Why is the county paying her to... hang out with Becky?  Torment those meddling glee kids?

Con:  What the hell’s going on with Quinn’s hair?

Pro:  Brittany’s still trying to figure out what to do about Santana, who brushes off her attempts to make nice by announcing her intention to write a heteronormative love song about Sam.

Pro:  Sue’s locker-full-of-dirt prank on Santana and Brittany.  Ok, so maybe Sue’s still good for something.

Con:  Blaine passes on choosing his own solo... to choose his own duet partner.  Way to be magnanimous, guy.

Pro:  Santana’s contribution to the songwriting effort winds up a sultry ballad about Sam called... “Trouty Mouth,” which begins, “Guppy face, trouty mouth - is that how people’s lips look where you come from in the south?”  She compares him to a guppy, a trout, a grouper, a frog and a salamander before he cuts her off.  It’s refreshing to see someone other than Lea Michele make themselves look foolish with such earnestness.  Great voice, though; I would voluntarily listen to an album of her singing, as long as it wasn’t what passes for pop nowadays.

Con:  Puck’s song is just as inappropriate, but nowhere near as funny.  He sings yet another song about Lauren being fat.  It’s supposed to be about her having a big heart, but aside from the chorus, it’s basically “Fat Bottomed Girls” all over again, only this time she doesn’t seem to mind.  I guess she likes him enough now to realize he may be a bit clueless, but at least he’s honest about his attraction.

Con:  So Quinn’s storyline now is that she wants to be prom queen?  And she needs Finn for this because he won the big game?  What happened to the Humanization of Quinn from last season?  She had the baby and they suddenly didn’t have anything for her to do, so she’s just sort of floated around this season until they’ve decided on this as her raison d'être.

Pro:  A storyline actually pays off!  If Brittana can work this well, there’s hope for the show yet.

Pro:  Mercedes’ song was well-done, fun and more than a little bit of an Aretha Franklin version of “Let’s Get Rocked.”   Even though it’s better than both of the songs Rachel winds up singing at Regionals later this hour, Will vetoes it because... well, because he has no taste, apparently.

Pro:  I liked Quinn bluntly laying it out for Rachel, if only for how heartbreaking it was for Quinn.  The only future she sees is having a family with Finn and being a real estate agent (natch) while he takes over Burt’s shop.  There’s worse lives to live, but how about going to college out-of-state and having an existence that doesn’t begin and end at the Allen County line?  This leads directly to...

Con:  What is Finn’s purpose in the show?  Mechanically, what does he do?  He appears to exist only to function as the rope in Quinn and Rachel’s tug-of-war.  If he were to suddenly decide he didn’t want to be with either of them, then none of them would have anything to do, since they each are only there to facilitate the circular plot of the other two, which is boring and cheap.

Pro:  Nice Mogen David, Oral Fixation.

Con: Doesn’t Begin to Cover It:  Kathy Griffin’s character was awful.  Not that I would ever defend the object of parody she represents, but the jokes were just... not funny.  They were cheap and obvious and below the standards of even this show’s worst moments.  That was some of the laziest writing I’ve seen in a very long time; not counting the Oscars, which are always like that.

Pro:  All the girls (except Tina) were wearing Docs.  Is that some kind of “loser” thing?

Mini-con:  It’s not really a con, but it’s definitely not a pro - those two originals Nude Erections did for Regionals just weren’t particularly good.  “Loser Like Me” felt like it was kind of pandering to losers.

Pro:  The Lieutenant-Governor’s wife pronounces it - very clearly - “The Nude Erections.”

There were some good, heart-warming moments; some rewarding, heartbreaking moments and an unusual amount of funny to be had, but it somehow added up to a predictable, unsatisfying whole.  At this point, I don’t know what they can do to please me, but whatever it is, it ain’t this.

So that’s it until some undetermined Tuesday in April when dirty Gwyneth Paltrow shows up to reset to Will/Emma storyline... again.  I swear to Raptorchrist, if they undo the progress on Kurt/Blaine in the very next episode as part of the standard post-hiatus reboot, I’m done.  On the upside, the fabulous Stephen Tobolowsky will be back along with Terri as part of whatever they’ll have Sue doing.  I really think Sue’s gotta go, but I know they’ll never get rid of her, not for anything and that’s really too bad, in the end.

See you when it comes back around.

Grade:  C+

Songs

“Misery” - Maroon 5 (Blaine and the Garglers)
“Only Child” - Rachel
“Blackbird” - the Beatles (Kurt and the Garglers)
“Trouty Mouth” - Santana
“Big-Ass Heart” - Puck
“Hell to the No” - Mercedes
“Jesus is My Friend” - Sonseed (Oral Fixation)
“Candles” - Hey Monday (Blaine and Kurt w/ the Garglers)
“Raise Your Glass” - Pink (Blaine and the Garglers)
“Get It Right” - Rachel w/ Brittany and Tina
“Loser Like Me” - Rachel w/ Finn and the Nude Erections

Random Observations

The best couple portmanteau I’ve heard yet - “Kurt Coblaine”

Blaine’s false start - Just before the last chorus of “Raise Your Glass,” Blaine appears to start singing a quarter-measure early, back up, then start again.  Is that part of the original song, or a screw-up on the part of the character?

Tina - needs to lend Rachel a couple Stabbing Westward records or something darkly pop-mope like that.  I bet Rachel could knock the hell out of something as banal as “Sometimes It Hurts” or “Perfect.”

That being said - Santana could belt a mean “What Do I Have to Do?”

Kurt and Blaine - So, when Kurt comes back to McKinley after Dave graduates, do you think Blaine will come, too?

Great Lines

Quinn - I know what you’re thinking: “Prom queen?  You’re smart and super-pretty and relatively sane for a girl; does being prom queen really matter to you?”  Well it does!

Santana - All I know is you blew me off to be with Stubbles McCripplepants.

Brittany - (spitting out a mouthful of dirt) I don’t even remember putting that there!

Will - What are your favorite songs?  Brittany - “My Headband.”

Quinn - You want to know how the story plays out?  I get Finn and you get heartbroken and then Finn and I stay here and start a family.  I’ll become a... successful real estate agent and Finn will take over Kurt’s dad’s tire shop.  You don’t belong here, Rachel, and you can’t hate me for helping to send you on your way.  Rachel - I’m not giving up on Finn; it’s not over betw--  Quinn - Yes, it is!  You’re so frustrating, and that is why you can’t write a good song: because you live in this little schoolgirl fantasy of life.  If you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never gonna get it right.

Carla Turlington-Stevens - (apropos of nothing) My husband is verbally abusive and I have been drinking since noon.  ::silence::  I’m bored, let’s just see who won, huh?

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