Club Glee gets down and dirty. Conversationally, anyway...

So it’s sex ed week at McKinley High and it turns out that for as much a preoccupation it may be, no one knows a damn thing about it. Holly Holiday returns (the real-life reasons for which make me nauseous) to sub for the Health teacher, who apparently didn’t take her own advice regarding STDs. Santana is struggling with her feelings for Brittany while Emma and Carl’s marriage is exposed for the sham it is. Meanwhile, Blaine makes a strange request of Burt for Kurt’s welfare and Puck considers making a sex tape with Lauren. Best of all, Rachel doesn’t have a solo! Unfortunately, Holly does...

What Worked

Brittana (or Santittany, if you prefer) - First off:

YAY! Santana had an emotion other than disgust or contempt! Lately the series has been getting a lot better about consistently developing characters other than Kurt; granted, they’ve been developing new characters, rather than ones who’ve been around since the beginning, but still, this is good! Apparently Santana’s bitchiness and generally devious behavior stems from her unresolved feelings for Brittany (cue Brittana shippers squeeing all over the intertrons).

I loved Santana’s coming-out scene, and it WAS a coming out scene; maybe not as a lesbian or bisexual, but as a human being. Santana has always been portrayed as a vicious, opportunistic alien of the “what is this thing you call love?” variety, but now she’s on the road to becoming an actual character. In assigning her Brittany-love as the reason for her primary character trait, they have opened Santana up for a revelation of her motivation: yes, she is a bitch because she can’t love Brittany openly for fear of what people will say behind her back, but why? Why is she afraid of that? That is motivation. That is the initial building block of what makes a caricature into a character.

As strident a supporter of Brittana as I am, I was still pleased by Brittany’s loyalty to Artie. Of course, what I want is for her to leave him for Santana and Artie to get back with Tina, having a better understanding of himself and able to treat her better (a little something called “development”). Still, if the show continues this thread, and I don’t see how they can’t, the most honest relationship on the program can progress organically and fans of the pairing, for reasons both emotional and prurient, can rejoice.

One of the lovely things about this development is that it’s actually interesting, as opposed to the rest of the show, which is (so very unfortunately) dramatically inert. By constantly swinging characters and their motivations and desires back and forth, which is far worse than the even more frequent complete dropping of a sub plot for a month or so, it becomes close to impossible to care about what happens to these people. At this point, the only things worth watching the show for are Brittany/Santana, Kurt/Burt and whether or not any more of my predictions will come true

The only real drawback to this subplot was the “Landslide” performance. Aside from the need to push Paltrow as a recording artist (retch), what was the need, plot-wise, for Holly singing with Santana to Brittany? Santana was perfectly capable of singing that on her own and really ought to have; Holly’s participation muddled the purpose of the number for me. I understood that Santana was trying to convey her feelings for Brittany through the song, but most of it was sung by Holly. I knew what the feelings were and what she was trying to say, but got confused by the method of their delivery. By the end, I felt like I was looking at the answer to a math problem where they didn’t show their work.

There’s so many differing opinions on what the song is “about,” including what Stevie Nicks says it’s about that I eventually decided to chuck the idea and just look up the lyrics to try and suss out what it might mean to Santana. That little experiment led me no closer to understanding that aspect, but (in conjunction with rewatching the scene) clarified that it was as much, if not more, about Holly and Will, which actually made much more sense.

Burt and Kurt - You know, O’Malley and Colfer’s work together is so consistently good that at this point, singling it out for praise feels superfluous. How many different ways can I say that their scenes together are effortlessly excellent? I would stop doing so altogether if I didn’t need things to like about the show.

Emma’s giggle of physical avoidance - was perfect. Wonderful comic timing on Jayma Mays’ part.

What Didn’t

Why Can’t Kurt Get Down? - While much of Kurt’s interaction with his father was admirable and among the best moments of the episode, certain things about Kurt himself rang incredibly false. Foremost was Kurt’s attitude about talking to Burt about sex: after very pointedly instructing Burt to learn about man-love so they could talk about it just last week, Kurt does a complete 180, literally putting his fingers in his ears and singing to avoid the conversation.

What the fuck is that about?! This doesn’t even make sense! How could they fuck up the most consistently written character on the show, the only one they collectively seem to give a shit about? This is completely out of character, even for a show whose adherence to characterization is unforgivably shaky. It smacks of an all-too-frequent problem in network shows, the desexualization of gay characters. As if it’s totally ok for them to be gay, but they will NEVER have sex.. Everyone wants to golf-clap and congratulate shows for being “so brave” for having an openly gay character (and this one has several), but when it comes to gay male characters doing the thing that makes them gay, forget it, it’s going too far.

Kurt’s fear of sex, and that’s how it’s portrayed, is not in itself the problem, but that doesn’t make it feel like less of a cop-out. Hot gay girls exploring their emotions and talking about what they do together? No problem. Effeminate gay boy in the same episode? Terrified of sex! Bullshit...

“Animal” - They’d’ve been better off singing Def Leppard’s “Animal” for all the point there was in it. Wasn’t there a better way to establish Kurt as a non-sexual being? Don’t even get me started on the inconceivable special effects failure of the foam gun. And another thing, when I see a rented warehouse, some scaffolding and eleven schoolgirls, I don’t think “musical number,” I think “porn set.”

Distinct inappropriateness - You know, I get that Holly’s not a real councilor or doctor and that makes her advice suspect at best and damaging at worst, and that that was the joke, but... never mind; I’m applying too much real-life logic. However, Will and Holly’s passionate (?) kissing and face-to-face declarations of attraction were totally in appropriate in front of students (the backing band was just off-screen).

MESSAGE! - As with so many prior scenes that deal with “issues,” this episode was no stranger to heavy-handed After School Special-style proselytizing. I was so surprised last time how they kept that shit to a minimum, only to bring it back full force. YES, parents need to talk to their kids about sex, YES the internet is a useful tool for the mechanical end of the topic, but do those scenes have to be so stodgy, so stiffly reminiscent of reading aloud from an encyclopedia entry?

Some anvils just need to be dropped and others, such as tonight’s warning about underage sex tapes, need to be dropped with no accompanying snark, jokes or flippant delivery, but with the exception of that necessary anvil, when not blatantly anvilicious, the messages were lost in a muddle of motivations and tangents that had less to do with the teaching of sex education and more with being goofy and random.

“Afternoon Delight” - I get that it was just a set-up for a punch line, but did no one on that stage (like Carl or Puck) know that song is about nooners? When they were rehearsing or making the costumes or, I don’t know, when Emma first said what number they’d be doing, why didn’t someone point out the song wasn’t about dessert, thus saving them all from looking foolish? Yeah, it was supposed to be corny, I GET IT, but the logic fell apart under only a few seconds’ scrutiny. It was weak, even by Glee standards.

Quinn and Finn are back together - At this point, who cares?

The pacing - It occurred to me, when there was only about four minutes left in the episode, that none of this week’s subplots were going to be resolved. If Glee were the type of show that could be counted on to follow plot threads (other than those having to do with Kurt) from week to week, there wouldn’t be a problem. However, this show likes to put things down and forget about them for weeks at a time, causing problems when they do decide to pick them up again, resulting in asinine methods to reconfigure the characters into the positions necessary to do so. This could be avoided by attention to continuity, but that’s reserved for Ryan Murphy’s author avatar, St. Kurt.

Heather Morris and Naya Rivera’s fake eyelashes - Seriously, they look awful.

Gwyneth Paltrow - She broadly overplayed everything. It’s as if Holly comes from a universe more arch and heightened that even the usual characters do, making their actions and reactions seem subdued by comparison; which leads us to...

Mugging - last night’s real theme!

Grade: B

Songs

“Do You Wanna Touch Me” - Gary Glitter [Joan Jett arrangement] (Holly)
“Animal” - Neon Trees (Blaine and Kurt w/ the Garglers)
“Kiss” - Prince (Will and Holly)
“Afternoon Delight” - Starland Vocal Band (Emma w/ Puck, Rachel, Quinn and Carl)
“Landslide” - Fleetwood Mac [Dixie Chicks arrangement] (Holly and Santana w/ Brittany)

Random Observations

Brittany’s locker - has a mock-up of an American Cheerleader cover with herself on it. Not coincidentally, Heather Morris is on the cover of said magazine this month.

Sue’s interference - Her positing to Kurt and Blaine that the judges will be scoring higher for sexiness is identical to last year’s pre-Regional episode notion that “funk” was somehow going to be important, only to be completely absent from the competition the following week.

Emma and Carl - I smell an annulment!

Lines on the board behind Holly - “I will not laugh during Sex Education class.”

Great Lines

Emma - I am very inspired that both of you are showing how celibacy is a viable option for teens who simply aren’t ready for intimacy and for those who are older and are terrified of the hose-monster.

Brittany - Look, I’d really like to get my sweet lady kisses on, but I haven’t been feeling very sexy lately - I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don’t tell anyone, ok? Especially Artie.
Santana - Yeah, sure, your secret’s safe with -- (to Tina) Oh my God, Brittany’s pregnant!

Brittany - (about being pregnant) I am so sorry, Artie. I didn’t want to upset you, I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off.

Holly - Finn, is it true you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?
Finn - I’ve always been dubious.

Sue - I like my enemas pipin’ hot.

Santana - It’s better when it doesn’t involve feelings. I think it’s better when it doesn’t involve eye contact.

Santana - I made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a person.

Holly - I went to an all-girls college where the only industry in the town was the manufacturing of softball equipment. I still feel a little tingle when I hear Ani DiFranco.

Burt - Are you gay or straight or what?
Blaine - I’m definitely gay.
Burt - Ok, good... or whatever.

Emma - I would just like to start by congratulating you by reminding you that not one member of this club has had an unwanted pregnancy in almost a year.

Quinn - (to Puck) You’re the biggest French whore of them all.

Holly - (to Emma) He’s hot and you’re thirty!

Santana - Brittany, I can’t go to an Indigo Girls concert, I just can’t.

Quinn - I burnt myself this morning with a curling iron.
Brittany - The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub to keep from getting burned.
Lauren - (shaking head) No.