Gripping SF whodunit...or a trial in its own right?

More than halfway into The Trial Of A Time Lord, and The Doctor's not a happy camper. Not only is he being hectored by Judge Doom on a constant basis, he's also trying to come to terms with the loss of Peri, whose attempts to pre-empt the Mitchell Brothers from EastEnders were cruelly thwarted by an angry Yrcanos. No wonder he starts the ninth instalment with a face longer than Jimmy Hill's chin.

But that Dunkirk spirit slowly manifests itself as The Doctor now begins HIS defence. It's an odd choice – he evidently thinks that being an outer space Hercule Poirot will somehow absolve himself of all the charges laid against him. So welcome to the Murder On The Orient Express In Space portion of the trial, which is better known as Terror Of The Vervoids.

Now Doctor Who has attempted murder-mystery dramas in the past, with the likes of The Web Of Fear and The Robots Of Death, two of the show's best ever exports. And being a murder mystery fan, surely the Vervoid adventure should capture my interest?

Well, yes and no. Terror Of The Vervoids is your bog-standard murder mystery – someone has teamed up with a horde of suspicious looking plant things called Vervoids to bump off the crew of an outer space luxury liner one by one. The structure of the plot is well worked out, and there's plenty of red herrings and detours to keep the identity of the killer as ambiguous as possible until the final reveal.

However, about twenty-five seconds into part nine will tell you a problem with the story. Pip and Jane Baker are back for more after the previous season's Mark Of The Rani , and even if Vervoids is an improvement, it still contains too many of their annoying habits for it toproperly succeed.

The most irritating aspect of Vervoids is its dialogue. Once again, characters are asked to speak in pompous, over-fussy sentences that never sound true for a fraction of a second. Your archetypal cruise ship is hardly likely to echo to the sounds of “The last time I encountered The Doctor, I found myself in a web of mayhem and intrigue!” or “Whoever's been placed in there has been crushed into fragments and sent floating in space – and in my book, that's murder!” Maybe Pip and Jane actually know people who talk like this – although I've yet to come across people who make an ordinary turn of phrase become the most oblique load of bumph imaginable. Maybe the next time I say “Good morning!” I'll try “Salutations to you at this early hour in the day” and await the bemused expressions with breathless anticipation.

"Honor Blackman seems curiously bored by the whole thing, trudging unenthusiastically through proceedings like a fed-up granny who's been forced to accompany her grandkids on a day out to the zoo"

Anyway, Terror Of The Vervoids is crammed full of this nonsense. It'd be pointless of me to list more examples, since practically every line is artificial and wooden. A good story always needs lines that sound plausible – you need that grain of reality in order to make the story believable. The Bakers, unfortunately, turn all of their characters into walking dictionaries, and because of this, the credibility of their four stories is reduced.

Which is a shame, since some of the characters are quite interesting. As with any murder mystery, there's a wide cross-section of faces, some of whom work better than others. Surprisingly, the main guest star, Honor Blackman, doesn't fare so well as the others – Professor Lasky is a moaning old biddy, who's forever complaining about every tiny aspect of her experience aboard the liner. Put it this way, if you were to meet her on a cruise ship, she'd be complaining about the temperature of the pool, the absence of a chocolate mint on her pillow and the fact that her napkins aren't folded into swans at the dinner table. God forbid that you'd be next to her at the dinner table, since you'd be squirming in embarrassment as Lasky sends every course back to the chef with a surly growl and an expression that could freeze the jug of water into ice. All of which would work if Blackman's performance was as good as in Goldfinger or The Avengers, but she seems curiously bored by the whole thing, trudging unenthusiastically through proceedings like a fed-up granny who's been forced to accompany her grandkids on a day out to the zoo.

Luckily, some of the other actors are better. Props to Michael Craig, who gets a larger helping of bad lines as Commodore Tonker (Eh?) Travers. Despite having to wrestle with the pompous dialogue, Craig makes a surprisingly good show of it, which is no mean achievement. I quite like the way in which Travers rolls his eyes when The Doctor first appears, and the fact that they are old friends – or acquaintances at the very least.

Who else is there? Ah yes, there's poor old Rudge, a “good man gone rogue” in the words of The Doctor. Rudge is one of life's losers – the sort of man who everyone picks on for kicks. It's a safe bet that Rudge was the school swot, scribbling everyone's homework with a forced grin. So, having tired of being everybody's 'Yes' Man, he decides to join forces with a small group of tinheads called Mogarians in a vain bid to hijack the ship and commandeer its stash of valuable metals for a “comfortable retirement”. It's a clever subplot, but Rudge's blustering incompetence rules him out of being the killer. Good performance from Denys Hawthorne, though.

And just as good is Yolande Palfrey in a role that's potentially impossible to get right – the beaming stewardess Janet. Palfrey had previously appeared in an old Blake's 7 episode called Pressure Point where she played the daughter of a rebel leader – sadly, she had to speak with a tewwibly posh voice that made her sound like she was the Duchess Of Kasabi, with a million butlers at her disposal. But in Vervoids, Palfrey adds a lot of understated, down-to-earth charm as Janet, whether she's brushing off the smarm of Edwardes and his blatant sexism, or showing concern at the absence of shambling old goat, Mr Kimber. Too bad that Janet was never kept on as a companion – she probably would have been more popular than Mel (more on her later, inevitably), and more of a natural foil for The Doctor.

The reveal of the killer, though, is surprisingly low-key. Malcolm Tierney is again very good as the rather laidback Doland, but his character just seems a bit of a random choice as the killer. It's as if Pip and Jane closed their eyes, and then selected any one of the characters' names from a hat. Doland is very much of the Eckersley School Of Treachery – a laconic chap who never really raises his voice above a quiet mumble. And like his predecessor, it's all about the money, as he plans to use his new friends as slave labour. Inevitably, he doesn't bargain on the Vervoids turning the tables on him and killing him with a deadly sting. And as I said, the reveal of the killer could have been far more suspenseful and spectacular. Instead, Doland just casually produces a gun right under The Doctor's nose, while hunting for a missing tape.

That's one key failing of Terror Of The Vervoids. Somehow, it just lacks that all-important scare factor that a good murder mystery has. Although it's well worked out and plotted, Vervoids isn't exactly the most terrifying story in Who history. I can't quite put my finger on where the fault lies – the rather bland script or the equally casual direction from Chris Clough. Actually, Clough's direction isn't bad – it's quite slick and he's evidently got a knack for hiring good guest actors, but somehow he doesn't make the story as frightening as it could be. There's one or two attempts, such as the memorable cliffhanger to part nine or the revelation of the mutant Ruth Baxter, but generally, it's all a bit underwhelming.

"The Vervoids wear tracksuit bottoms, and speak in what seems to be a nicotine-affected rasp from Newcastle-Upon-Tyne"

Take the Vervoids themselves – they look highly suspect, which doesn't help, they wear tracksuit bottoms, and speak in what seems to be a nicotine-affected rasp from Newcastle-Upon-Tyne. Their method of killing is quite neat, and Clough, in his defence, does keep their appearance to a minimum in the first couple of episodes – but again, they just lack the chill factor that the likes of the Voc Robots or the Mummies had way back when.

The prospect of Bonnie Langford joining the show was probably far more of a terrifying prospect to the fans. As Nicola Bryant announced her departure, fans were intrigued to hear who would replace her – so imagine countless jaws thudding to the floor as an eager JNT announced Langford's initiation in what at the time, was one piece of pantomime casting too far.

Maybe it's because of all that excess baggage that Langford had – she'd played OTT stage school brat Violet Elizabeth Bott, and had somehow never lost that tag. So like Catherine Tate in recent years, the fans were getting their knickers in a twist before Langford had even started recording her first scream. Admittedly, Mel isn't among the top ranks of great Who companions. It doesn't help that she's just plonked in the middle of the season without introduction. The only clues we get are that she comes from Pease Pottage, likes exercise and has an unhealthy carrot juice fetish. It's a rather twee, uninspired template, and so Langford's already hampered by a character with zero dimensions. And as we'll see in future adventures, the scripts don't really ask Langford to do anything but stand around and scream – something that she does with alarming regularity in the next season.

"The abrasive anger is luckily now a thing of the past, and this more likeable Doctor suits Colin Baker down to a tee"

Having said that, Bonnie actually makes a reasonable debut. OK, it's a bit OTT and stagy, but at least Mel takes more of a proactive approach to her adventures, unlike Peri. Like Sarah Jane in her earlier adventures, Mel has this knack for biting off more than she can chew - she nearly gets fried by an electric booby trap and is nearly thrown into the pulveriser after her curiosity gets the better of her on both occasions. Another point in Mel's favour is that somehow she gels far better with Colin's Doctor than Peri. The Doctor takes more of a fatherly approach with Mel, and there's a notably relaxed warmth between the two – which after The Doctor/Peri clashes, comes as a welcome relief. The Doctor, too, is at his best, taking a more measured, inquisitive approach to the mystery, and not rushing headlong into confrontations like a bull in a china shop. The abrasive anger is luckily now a thing of the past, and this more likeable Doctor suits Colin Baker down to a tee.

Terror Of The Vervoids does at least cut down on the courtroom shenanigans, which means that it's allowed to function as a story in its own right rather than a loose jigsaw piece. The production of the story is generally fine, although the CSO spaceship and the poor effect of the black hole look a bit fake. There's some moody lighting again though, for example in the 'low spectrum light' cargo hold, and some cool video effects for the vionesium attacks on the Vervoids at the climax (good effects for their disintegration, too).

Not quite Agatha Christie standard then, but not a bad attempt – or at least, not as bad as I remembered. While it's not as terrifying as it could be, and while it suffers from terrible, overwrought dialogue, Vervoids is still fast paced, well plotted, and stylishly produced. The 6th Doctor could have had a strong career as an outer space Holmes, if the Powers That Be at the BBC hadn't cruelly intervened.

And as things stand in the trial, The Doctor's just dug himself an even bigger hole. He may have saved the day again, but he foolishly hadn't reckoned on how badly the court would take his wholesale destruction of the Vervoids. He's now guilty of genocide, in yet another Many Faces Of Colin Baker cliffhanger. Is there anything that can be done to save this sorry fiasco of a trial?

Tune in next time...

John Bensalhia limbered up for this mammoth task with a full four-series review of Blake's 7, and writes professionally and recreationally all over the web. Check out his portfolio of work at Wordprofectors.

Check out John's previous Doctor Who review, Mindwarp

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