In just seven days, I can make you a... man?

Zonad is from space, and is a brilliant idea. I received the DVD eagerly as I was keen on the idea from the cover notes and the trailer. It had all the ingredients needed to make a new classic Irish comedy: the wonderful location, a different take on the classic 50‘s sci-fi movies, mistaken identity and some good lines. It should make a great DVD release...

An Irish family full of stories of aliens see a meteor, and then return home to find what they believe to be just such an alien. Zonad soon finds that he is popular with the men and even more so with the rather busty women in the village. We soon learn, however, that there is a darker side to our hero Zonad: he is, in fact, on the run from enforced alcoholic rehabilitation. That should make this movie a perfect example of how independent films can be hidden gems. This is not such an example.

Partially funded by the Irish Film board, this is a revisit to the location used for the BBC’s Ballykissangel. The idyllic music and warm, soft-focus shots soon give way to reveal the village of the ‘feck’n stupid’. From the outset, sadly, this film is quite simply an insult to the Irish. I am surprised that the extras agreed to be in it.

The theme of the film follows the story pattern of classic American 50’s science fiction movies, and at first you feel that there could be some deft dialogue coming, as the classic soundtrack plays to match the fifties feel. There’s even the incongruous German professor giving the hapless family advice on the alien visitor. But it’s all thrown away; no, it’s pissed away.

Either this film is incredibly post-modern ironic or it’s just shite.

‘Harsh’ you say? ‘Bollocks’ I say.

Why would a family decide to instantly believe that someone in their house is an alien over being a fat drunk runaway? Are they thick as pigshit? Yes. It’s hard to believe anything that’s going on. The cast can’t seem to get enough traction with their characters to make us either like/dislike any of them. Zonad, the overstuffed, be-suited extraterrestrial pretender had some moments of roguishness in the vein of Rab C. Nesbitt, although I would not compare Simon Delaney’s performance here to Gregor Fisher.

A short story turned into a film in 2009 and now on DVD, I think it was probably better as a short film piece. This lacks any depth beneath the innuendo and smutty boys' humour that other films that have come before have done much better. John Carney and Kieran Carney - will the name of the Carney brothers be one day amongst those of the Wachowskis and the Coens? Not if this is anything to go by. Shocking, lads. Come on, I know you can do better.

The song at the end of the film, I’m Sorry, performed it appears by the entire cast, did not say sorry enough. If you are looking for something like My Hero, best look away now.

Zonad is released on the 14th of March.

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