Aaron reveals why the Jockerarchy doesn't ring true to him...

Imagine a scenario where you get your ass kicked - a really undeserving, random, vicious asskicking - and while you’re on the ground, sobbing, spitting out teeth, wondering what exactly happened, the three guys that beat the shit out of you leave you a cupcake on the sidewalk in your blurred field of vision and walk away without any explanation. That’s what being a Glee fan is like for me.

I suppose one of the reasons I piss so much on Glee’s concepts of popularity arithmetic is partially because when (and maybe where) I was in high school, no one gave even the slightest squirtlet of shit as to what was going on in athletics. The most popular guy in my school didn’t play a single second of sports and, to the best of my recollection, the only club he was in was drama club. It might be because I was a nineties teenager and your average nineties teenager didn’t care about anything that wasn’t directly related to its own life, draining school athletics of whatever totemic powers of morale-influence it apparently enjoyed in previous decades (such as the eighties, when our writers were in school).

Also, and more relevantly, the show is very specific, almost mathematic, about how the hierarchy of McKinley High works: it’s football jocks at the top and everybody else trickles down from there, with glee at the absolute bottom. In fact, at least one plot has stated directly that just being in glee puts a cap on your maximum possible popularity, so even the team’s quarterbacks can still get slushied in the halls.

This being Glee, though, established rules of its fiction are irrelevant in the face of whatever the fuck the writers want to do any given week. Ignoring the rules of your universe damages the credibility of your universe; but, let’s not forget, this show does think you’re stupid and will never let you forget just how stupid and scatterbrained it thinks you are.

Anyway, Finn feels he can have any girl in the school, but figures can get Quinn back, such is the power of popularity contained in his lips. Right. His step-brother Kurt wants to make use of his own lips, as well, specifically on whatever part of Straight Gay Blaine he can manage. They get coffee in a Barney’s-esque mall-shop (called The Lima Bean) while Kurt mopes about the irrelevance of Valentine’s Day, his intended’s favorite holiday. Oh Kurt, if only the love of your short-ass life knew how you felt, maybe you guys could get to first base, or at least bunt together (I’m gonna make that a thing, as soon as I figure out what I mean by it).

Turns out Kurt might not have to spell it out after all, since Blaine tells him he’s got a thing for a guy he recently met and wants to let him know. If you’ve been watching television or movies with enough attention to read plotting like palms, it’s pretty transparent that he’s not talking about Kurt, but since they don’t directly telegraph his intent and Kurt gets a little stiff when he sees his beloved has memorized his coffee order, the scene gets by with its flimsy hope intact.

Will, in a particularly asinine move, makes the assignment of the week to sing “what you think is the world’s greatest love song” to their partner. So, obviously, the people who are dating or crushing within the group are fine, but what about the others? What about Mercedes, Santana... Oh... I guess that’s it. ::shrug:: Never mind, then, since Mercedes doesn’t get plots and they have other things in mind for Santana.

After Finn tells the club he wants to use his newfound (?) popularity to set up a kissing booth, supposedly to earn money for glee (who wouldn’t seem to have any money problems now that they have the Cheerio’s budget, but that doesn’t even get brought up - you’re stupid, remember?), Santana insults him twice in the same sentence. When Finn calls her on it, the rest of the group piles on, as well, culminating with Rachel telling her that she may go on to humiliating roles, at least she’ll be on Broadway while Santana’s best job prospect after graduation will be at a titty bar.

While Santana cries in the hallway, Lauren further establishes herself as a character by not simply accepting Puck’s invitation to a date at Breadstix, but demanding to be wooed. To break out of the play-by-play for a second, this episode does us a solid by not expanding, so much as establishing Lauren and Blaine as characters, who to this point have been less that than bags of traits flung around to make plots progress. Kurt Rainbowalker’s personal gay Yoda asks the Garglers to help him win his crush’s heart by singing in public, which they haven’t done in almost eighty years - not since that freak air-show accident killed eight of their group. The venue? The Gap; Blaine’s hopefully-boyfriend works there. Told you so, Kurt.

After a fleeting slumber party scene (when did Rachel and Mercedes become friends again?) Puck sings the first song of the night. From the first note, I had a strong feeling where this scene was going to end up (I coulda been on Name That Tune); trying to serenade a fat girl with Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” is not a spectacular idea. Unless the tongue is planted firmly in cheek, preferably the cheek of the girl you’re dedicating it to, the best you can hope to come across through this display is as a chubby-chaser, assuming you don’t appear a wholly out-of-touch moron. There is a massive amount of nudge-nudge-wink-wink in this tune, but not in this performance - Puck truly believes this is going to go over as nothing but flattering to the girl that appears to be the fattest in school.

Thankfully (and surprisingly, considering the show) though she is a bit flattered, Lauren is mostly insulted and rebuffs Puck’s insipid advance. Santana is none too pleased, either. She sees Puck as “her man” despite not having ever dated exclusively and his direct protestations. She seems to confuse “default sex partner” for “boyfriend” and vows revenge on Lauren for this slight.

Quinn correctly guesses Finn’s intention with the kissing booth, but refuses to kiss him again since she’s dating Sam. More odd popularity ideas are postulated as some sort of bargaining chip to get her to do it, or what Sam thinks is her reasoning for wanting to do it, or... something. Motivation on this show has always been somewhat questionable, but now it’s become downright nonsensical.

Speaking of nonsense, what’s going on with Rachel? She’s been obsessing over getting back together with Finn, but instead of coming up with some sort of cartoonish machination to get back with him, she plays it straight, if somewhat selfish (it is Rachel, after all). He gives her the gold star necklace he was going to give her for Christmas (which is all about forgiveness, if you recall) and lets her down easy.

For some real nonsense, though, let’s check in with Mike and Artie, who are all buddy-buddy even though they both dated Tina. Seriously, that’s what their conversation is about - not being weird about Tina. Good thing Mike doesn’t know she was trying to get back with Artie a few episodes ago and the writers think we forgot. Artie launches into “Pretty Young Thing,” his second lead from Thriller in as many episodes. Tell you the truth, if they decided to let Artie sing one song from that record per episode for the rest of the season, that might make up for their performance of “Thriller” on Sunday. So Artie sings for Brittany while Mike does his best Michael Jackson moves for Tina; it’s kind of random, but sweet and well done, so I’ll give it a pass.

Santana tries to win Puck back by being a raging bitch, but his heart is well and truly set on Lauren, who overhears the unhinged ex-cheerleader bagging on her size. After spewing some bullshit about being from the wrong side of the tracks to scare Lauren (isn’t Santana’s father a doctor?), she picks a fight she can’t possibly win, what with being shorter, half the weight and less of a state wrestling champion than her opponent, who proceeds to literally wipe the floor with her. Puck is desperate: “Please go out with me? Just... please?”

Lauren’s not desperate just because she’s fat and her denial of Puck’s charms seems based directly out of lack of interest, even though a couple of episodes ago she asked Black!Santa for him to love her. She keeps telling him to up his game because she’s not interested in just hooking up; if he wants to be with her, he needs to be with her, which is a good message to send.

A bad message to send is Blaine’s performance at the Gap for Jeremiah, the floppy-haired man of his dreams. As soon as the Garglers apparated to sing to him, he looked exceedingly uncomfortable and tried avoiding Blaine, who just didn’t get it. So Blaine has a flaw, to which he later admits: he’s clueless and can’t read signals. Jeremiah is not only still in the closet (which I guessed), but he’s not interested in Blaine, got fired over that performance and is also too old for him. Blaine is crushed and Kurt is relieved to learn he’s not the only person who constructs elaborate romance fantasies that only exist in his own head.

I was gawping at my TV screen through this whole number. The first problem is the raging inappropriateness of singing a song about fucking to someone at their place of work. Second is having so little concern for the other person’s situation so as to basically out him to a store full of people. Third, but definitely not the least is that he didn’t change the pronouns: he’s still singing to a “she,” a “girl” - just the thing to woo a gay guy. This last one is rip-roaringly obviously due to the need to sell this as a single on iTunes to the detriment of its actual context, which is unbelievably crass. Anyway, congratulations Blaine, you ruined this guys life a bit... or maybe more than a bit; not that it entirely matters since we’ll never see him again. Hey, did anyone else think he had Carrot-top’s face? ::shudder::

Santana gets some mono on her lips from a sick kid in the nurse’s office to spread to Quinn via Finn after she figures out they’re making time behind Sam’s back. Why? Why not? She’s just that mean. They still haven’t really established the “why” of Santana; obviously she revels in being horrible, but there’s no reason, so there’s less actual “character.”

Kurt finally tells Blaine how he feels while in line for coffee, prompting Blaine to raise those heavy, heavy eyebrows in surprise. Gay Yoda cops to pretending to know everything, but in truth, he has no practical experience - he’s never been anyone’s boyfriend, he’s just really comfortable with his sexuality, which gives false confidence and the illusion of wisdom. See? Character! Try that with Mercedes, guys; she’s been here since the beginning and deserves it. Kurt and Blaine decide to be friends, but see where it goes, “Like ‘When Harry Met Sally’,” Kurt says. “But don’t they get together in the end?” Blaine asks. Yes, that is the point. Hurrrr...

Lauren stands up Puck on the date she finally agrees to go on, Tina breaks down with happiness while singing and sure enough, Santana’s plot works when Quinn meets Finn in the auditorium to make out after school and both get sick. While waiting for their mothers to come get them (neither of which show up on camera), they try to parse out what they’re doing before Rachel comes to take care of Finn. He finally breaks it down for her, or rather, she breaks it down for herself: Finn just doesn’t like her as much as Quinn. Rachel, however, continues to surprise us by having the self-respect to finally accept it and walk out... singing, of course.

Oddly, she only gets one song this episode while Blaine gets two, singing at Breadstix while all the other characters canoodle or commiserate. I guess we know whose singles are selling more on the iTunes, don’t we? The episode wraps up at the restaurant with the couples sitting together, including Lauren and Puck while Sam and Santana give each other the eye. Well... that’s a development actually worth anticipating, assuming it doesn’t get dropped like so many other possible developments.

On a whole, this was a good hour, but I can’t help but wish it was the Super Bowl follow-up and wonder whether I would have liked it more if I wasn’t using it to get that horrid taste out of my mouth. When Glee doesn’t try so damn hard, it winds up a much better show, but it’s a shame the people in charge don’t seem to think so. If they did, maybe the show could survive its inevitable cancellation once they start rotating out characters as they graduate.

Grade: B

Songs

“Fat Bottomed Girls” - Queen B
“Pretty Young Thing’ - Michael Jackson B+
“When I Get You Alone” - Robin Thicke C+ (points off for being spectacularly inappropriate)
“My Funny Valentine” - from Babes in Arms I (incomplete)
“Firework” - Katy Perry C (still don’t like Rachel)
“Silly Love Songs” - Wings C (kind of pointless)

Random Observations

Blaine gets a last name - Anderson.

The timeline - is completely out-of-whack. I could barely tell what day Valentine’s Day was supposed to be - it seemed like it was a week-long celebration, judging by how many times the group cycled in and out of the chorus room.

Lauren’s threat - to rip out Santana’s weave is kind of an in-joke: Naya Rivera does wear a weave, which also got a shout out in Heather Morris’ web-video “Nothin' but a Glee Thang”

Fanservice Alert - What I suppose is Santana’s leftover Halloween costume, Slutty Candy Striper, makes a random, if welcome appearance.

Puck/Lauren - sends the right message while not sending a MESSAGE, which is nice (and rare) for this show.

Great Lines

Lauren - Stare at me again and I’ll break your nuts. Also, these candies you gave me? They sucked.
Puck - But you ate all of them.
Lauren - I had to make sure they sucked.

Will - (writes “love” on the board) I have one word for you... Brittany?
Brittany - Is it “love?” (to Artie, excited) Totally gonna graduate nooow!

Brittany - (to a crying Santana) Have you tried rocking back and forth? People do that in movies.
Santana - No ::sob:: Cause I just try to be ::sob:: really, really honest with people when I think ::hitch:: that they suck, you know? No one gets it...

Brittany - (filled with love) That’s my man and his legs don’t work!

Santana - Please, I’ve had mono so many times, it’s turned to stereo.

Santana - You know what? I think that is a capital idea!

Quinn - I’ve cheated twice in my life: first time, I got pregnant; second time, I got mono. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

Tina - (breaking down while singing) I’m so overcome with love!

Lauren - Can I be honest with you? I like you. I used to think you were smokin', but a lot of the had to do with the fact that I thought you were mixed-race and that never fails to get me going.