It's Christmas, but not as we know it...

With the first segment of the season over, we get this one last episode before the hiatus: a Christmas special, completely devoid of any advancement of the plot, classic carols or even the most passing wisp of a reference to the Jesus. If we believe what Glee tells us, Christmas is about forgiveness and thankfulness, not the birth of a third of the planet’s savior or, barring that, the joy of giving (which is paid only the scarcest lip service). So if the point is completely missed, what exactly was the point? Well, as a Christmas special, this week’s episode fails pretty badly, but as an installment dedicated to undeniably cute character moments, if does not disappoint at all.

Pro: Will resists Emma’s invitation to hang out with her and her new husband on Christmas Eve. It was not cool of her to ask and he handled it with (what is now) uncharacteristic grace. How can someone with no concept of emotions be a counselor?

Pro: Artie’s fully decorated locker, complete with lights and tinsel. How’s he getting power to those lights, though?

Pro: The dawning look of comprehension on Artie’s face when he realizes that Brittany is totally serious about Santa and, at seventeen, still believes in him. My initial reading was that it has finally occurred to him that he’s having sex with a six-year-old trapped in a cheerleader’s body, but oh no...

Con: ...he decides to help further her delusion.

Pro: During “The Most Wonderful Day of the Year,” while the club decorates their sad, dilapidated tree, Mike and Brittany dance together. However...

Con: ...it’s a little too on-the-nose when they sing “We’re all misfits!” We got that.

Con: Will gives tonight’s first misinterpretation of Christmas being about “being grateful for [things that turned out right]”...

Pro: ...which is rebutted by Puck: “I thought that was Thanksgiving.”

Pro: Finn’s affinity for Christmas is consistent and believable...

Con: ...while the two-and-a-half Jews in the club whisper nary a peep about Hanukkah.

Con: When the club goes into classrooms to drum up some money for charity, they sway back and forth in time, except Tina, who must be thinking of a completely different song.

Pro: The students go apeshit on them and the teacher throws her shoe at the drummer.

Pro: The Cheerios are all wearing knee-high candy cane socks.

Pro: Though it’s part of the “Keep Brittany a Child” subplot, the scene where the glee club goes to the mall to sit on Black!Santa’s knee is actually pretty funny.

What Nude Erections Asks Black!Santa for Christmas:

Mercedes: I want a pony and a doll that laughs and cries and-- one of us smells like McDonalds.
Lauren: I want Puckerman to love me, he’s a fox. I would also like sweet potato fries.
Santana: I want bling - I can’t be any more specific than that. Ok, wait, hold up! Please tell me that’s a roll of Certs in your pocket!
Quinn: Do you have anything for stretch marks?
Sam: Chapstick, lots of Chapstick.
Mike: I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff.
Tina: When does Asian!Santa arrive?
Brittany: I only want one thing for Christmas. Do you see my boyfriend over there? For Christmas, I want him be able to walk. You can do that, can’t you, Santa?

Con to a screeching halt: Say what now?

Pro: Black!Santa’s reaction, “Sure. I’m on it.” Way to go, mall Santa: this is, as Rollins would put it, where a shitty minimum wage job turns to art.

"You’d think that a show which doesn’t shy away from religious topics and has at least one devout character (Quinn) wouldn’t whitewash itself  about Christmas to such an inane degree."

Con: Rachel tries to convince Finn to get back together with her by being the second person to misinterpret Christmas. She will not be the last person to do so tonight, nor will this be the only time she does so. She also spends about $1000 on fake trees for this scene, which I would have just skipped if it hadn’t been intercut with other things.

Pro: Rachel’s self-serving “gift” to Finn is wrapped in blue-and-white (Hanukkah) paper.

Con: You know, I’m not one of those people who lose their shit when others de-Christ Christmas or use the word "holiday" when they mean "Christmas", but you’d think that a show which doesn’t shy away from religious topics and has at least one devout character (Quinn) wouldn’t whitewash itself to such an inane degree.

Con: None of the traditional (read: religious) carols the cast recorded for this episode’s soundtrack wound up in the episode.

Con: I would’ve liked to hear the Garglers perform “Carol of the Bells.”

Con: Finn thinks Christmas is about forgiveness, too.

Con: So let me get this straight - the club’s back-up band, the A/V club, a couple members of the school’s orchestra and the custodial staff (who have to clean up all the fake snow) all agreed to help Rachel put on a full performance of whatever song that was I turned the sound down through... for what? As a favor to her so she could try to get back together with Finn? Maybe they got paid, seeing as how she apparently has lots of money to burn, what with the forest of fake trees she got to make her failed apology.

Con: God, I hate Rachel.

Pro: Straight Gay Blaine and Babygay Kurt’s duet was really well done.

Con: Blaine needs to either acknowledge or squash Kurt’s obvious crush on him.

Pro: Beiste’s Secret Santa gift to Sue is wrapped in newspaper.

Con: As cute as Brittany is in this episode, I just can’t get behind the subplot to keep her belief in Santa alive.

Con: Her parents are in on it.

Pro: I didn’t have a problem with the various homages/rip-offs of several well-loved Christmas specials, but I could see how people with more affinity for them might. I enjoyed the hell out of the Grinch scene...

Con: ...even though it’s kind of troublesome that an adult (an educator!) involves a child with Down’s (a student) in theft of charity and vandalism of school property. Still...

Con: No, Rachel, the tree is not the foundation of Christmas.

Con: Stop fuckin' saying Christmas is a time for forgiveness, Rachel!

Con: Why would a Jewish American Princess ask Santa for Finn last Christmas?

Pro: Brittany’s Ken doll is in bed with a black Barbie. Her advice: “Get some rest, Ken; Barbie took the early flight back from Tampa.”

Pro: Brittany’s locker is decorated, too. Cute couple synergy!

Con: Hold on. So, in the middle of the day, Artie is going to “take Brittany home” because she’s feeling down that Santa may not be real? First off: how? Physically how? And second: the school’s just gonna let them both leave... because a seventeen-year-old is realizing Santa isn’t real? I’m sorry, but this is all way to out of whack, even for Glee.

Pro: I was gonna make it a Con since it’s so nonsensical, but... I just can’t. Apparently Coach Beiste is independently wealthy and was able to procure a $20,000 piece of experimental medical equipment to give anonymously to Artie. Wait, I can make a Con out of it...

Con: What was it doing under Brittany’s tree? How would Beiste know they were randomly going to skip school that day and go back to her house to have sex... I mean... no, that’s what I meant. Anyway, shouldn’t it have been under his tree?

Pro: Whatever, I got a little misty when I saw him walk and Brittany hopped up and down with Christmas joy.

Pro: You know what? Go on believing in Santa, Brittany; life’s gonna be hard enough when the school board realizes you should be in first grade and bars your graduation. At least you don’t need a diploma to dance.

So the episode was frustrating and inane, I still can’t ignore its cuteness or the fact that I had a momentary emotional reaction to Artie walking (though we’ll probably never see his Rewalk again unless they trot it out once more for the sake of random continuity). They could’ve just called it “The One Where Brittany’s Adorable Throughout,” but in the future, a little more of what Christmas actually is about would have been more satisfactory than rampant misinterpretation and a bunch of forgettable Christmas numbers. Better luck next year, guys.

Grade: B

Pro/Con: 19/21

Songs

“The Most Wonderful Day of the Year” from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer C
“We Need a Little Christmas” from Mame C
“Merry Christmas Darling” - The Carpenters C
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” - Frank Loesser A- (points off for ending with more ambiguity instead of a kiss)
“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” from How the Grinch Stole Christmas C
“Last Christmas” - Wham! C
“Welcome Christmas” from How the Grinch Stole Christmas C

Random Observations

Fanservice - Male 0 / Female 1 (if you get off on Grade C zettai ryouiki)

Great Lines

Brittany - Last year, I locked my stocking up over Christmas vacation; an entire family of mice started living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies.

Santana­ - The guy that lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother. When they carted him off, they left the house like, wide open, so... I think she was a holiday hoarder.

Mike - I’m pretty sure they just added food coloring to real slush from the parking lot.

Random Student - You’re making me hate Christmas!

Kurt - On the upside, I’m in love and he’s actually gay; I call that progress.

Tina - (to Quinn about cutting their hair) Shut up! With your bone structure, you could rock the Rosemary’s Baby look and still look good; I’m gonna look like Jackie Chan!

Beiste!Santa - She put being husky to good use.
Brittany - Was her name Ricki Lake?

Finn - Hey! So... we’re your students. All year long you suffer through dealing with us. I imagine having some of us in your classes can slowly chip away at your hopes and dreams until the whole world just felt like a never-ending nightmare of pain...

Will - (discovering Sue in his apartment) How- how did you get in here?
Sue - Oh, I made a key ages ago.

Will - I thought you hated the holidays.
Sue - No, I just hate you.
Will - Merry Christmas, Sue.
Sue - Merry Christmas, Will.