If Elvis had cut down on the cheeseburgers, he might not have shot quite as many television sets in later years...

“You don’t like anything.”

I get told I’m negative... a lot... pretty much perpetually. It’s been like this damn near my whole life. I don’t think people understand how that affects me. I’m not some armchair despot of media literacy, spewing bile for no reason other than to do so. I’ve taken the time, and money has been spent to construct an education in stringing words together, a real degree-holding education from an accredited university with big brick buildings and dorms and a football team - the whole nine yards. What I have gone through to get this knowledge is ridiculous, convoluted and could definitely be considered “the hard way,” but it has left me with a much finer understanding of what we are fed and told to be entertained by.

When I have a negative opinion (which is admittedly frequent), it’s because something has broken the rules of what makes things “good.” I didn’t make these rules, they come from a tradition of criticism boiled down over the last two hundred years and adapted to certain (i.e. modern) media. That’s neither here nor there to most folks, though, especially if my opinions don’t jibe with some prole’s vague, ill-formed ramblings. The subjectivity of art criticism generally renders its own musings moot, and to those people who do not understand the place and purpose of it, I suggest they avoid reading criticism altogether. It’s apparently not for them. I suppose it’s for people whose interest goes beyond “positive” or “negative” and lies in analysis of the mechanics and minutiae of why people hold opinions in the first place and how criteria of quality are formed (a statement the pretentiousness of which is certainly not lost on me).

“Can’t you just enjoy things?” I get asked. “Is there anything you do like?” Yes, as a matter of fact, there are many things I like and appreciate and love and find unbelievably interesting or entertaining... sometimes both. There’s a lot to love in the trough of television, but the adage holds true, “Ninety percent of everything is crap.” These are the things I think are wonderful and make me remember that yes, sometimes there is something worth watching on TV.

[May contain spoilers]

100. Totally...

...random...

...fanservice.

99. That time John stuck his fist in Cameron.

98. “Fun fact: Nothing typed by someone’s thumbs has ever been important.”

97. Christmas episodes.

96. “YIKES! AND AWAY!!”

95. At the Movies.

94. Udo’s “birth” on The Kingdom.

93. The Caine/Hackman Law - it’s no longer a theory.

92. “Like I said, this is made out to the Beatles - you divide it up any way you want. If you want to give less to Ringo, that's up to you.”

91. Puttin' on the Hits.

90. Apple - “1984” (dir. Ridley Scott).

89. Inside the Actors Studio.

88. “Terrence and Phillip in: ‘Not Without My Anus’”.

87: Jon Stewart on Crossfire.

86. The pilot for the live-action version of The Tick.

85. “The Body”.

84. VMA telecasts until about ten years ago when I really just stopped caring.

83. Oscar telecasts until a few years ago when I really just stopped caring.

82. Spitting Image.

81. “Nothing Suits Me Like a Suit”.

80. Whiskey in a men’s suit.

79. Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future.

78. M*A*S*H’s two-and-a-half hour finale.

77. Lord and Lady Douchebag.

76. You Can’t Do That On Television.

75. “I did not... have... sexual relations with that woman.”

74. The eponymous set on Firefly.

73. “Mathnet”.

72. Chyler Leigh’s Mohawk on That 80’s Show.

71. “Be water, my friend.”

70. There was a Star Trek series running continuously for eighteen years.

69. Plinko.

68. Olmek’s temple.

67. “Next on Sick Sad World”.

66. Crimson Glow.

65. PIGS! IN! SPAAAACE!

64. Happy little trees.

63. Jeopardy!

62. “I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore!”

61. “Those two? They found my stolen standard, now they survive a wreck that drowned an army and find Pompey Magnus on a beach. They have powerful gods on their side... and I will not kill any man with friends of that sort.”

60. The music on Heroes.

59. “Measure of a Man”.

58. Chevy Chase and Richard Pryor - “Word Association Test”.

57: The Midnight Hour.

56. T’Pol with long hair.

55. Double Dare.

54. “No I caint stop yellin', cause that’s how I talk! You ain’t never seen my mooovies?!”

53. The first season of Californication.

52. Alien Nation.

51. “Love-u and-o PEACE!”

50. “It’s a nice break from all that scissoring.”