Just to remind us that there is still one thing in the Star Wars universe that can make Jar Jar Binks feel smug...

I am a Star Wars enthusiast. I own the movies on VHS and DVD, and can quote them while watching or on my own (which gives my wife no pleasure whatsoever). I own the soundtracks, I read the books and comics, I have t-shirts, I have video games, two versions of Star Wars Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit, and drive a crappy white 1991 Bonneville that I have affectionately dubbed “The Millennium Falcon”. I even still buy Star Wars toys without lying to everyone about how they’re for my kids. I own the Droids DVD, and have actually debated with myself in stores as to whether or not I should purchase the various Ewok specials, merely because they are Star Wars. I have surpassed geek and gone straight to nerd where Star Wars is concerned. So it’s no wonder that when I first found out in the mid 90s about The Star Wars Holiday Special, well, I just had to see it.

But the funny thing was, it wasn’t out on video. Knowing that Uncle George loves to get money out of anything from his galaxy far, far away, it made me curious why he wouldn’t have released this to his loyal fans. My further investigation into this revealed that he was embarrassed by this program, and that he would never officially release this. Word around the web was that this was a blight on the Star Wars universe, and that outside of die-hard fans, no one should even attempt to watch this, lest they be cursed like those kids in Ringu. So, I had to ask myself (as I often do), “How bad can it be?”

First off, one would have to ask, why would you make a television special based on Star Wars? It’s not unheard of, obviously, to have the cast of a movie make appearances on television to bring attention to the release. And in the last few years, several of DreamWorks’ animated films have had spin off holiday specials (Shrek, Aliens vs. Monsters, Kung Fu Panda, etc.). And it had been nearly two years since Star Wars had been released, with another two years before The Empire Strikes Back would hit theatres. Wanting to keep his film fresh in people’s minds, Lucas agreed to go along with the Special. Unfortunately, he didn’t have much input into the project, so TV execs basically turned his sci-fi epic into a bad variety program, which was the worst thing they could do outside of Greedo shooting first.

"To say that this program was bad is like saying that Hitler was a little naughty"

Sure, there are places on the internet where you can purchase bootlegs copies of this treasure. But most of these places are the digital equivalent of shady-looking guys standing beside an open car trunk or at the alley trying to sell fake Rolexes and discount Viagra (I’ve been told about these folks, I’ve never associated with them myself). By luck, an internet search sent me to Google, where someone had uploaded the entire special to their video site. I saved the link, and several times attempted to sit and watch it, never making it more than 10 minutes. I decided recently that enough was enough. I love all things Star Wars. I sat in line for nine hours to see The Phantom Menace at midnight. And loving bad movies as much as I do, I figured I could do this. For the love of Moses Horowitz, I had no idea what I was in for.

To say that this program was bad is like saying that Hitler was a little naughty. The story revolves around Han and Chewbacca trying to get back to Kashyyyk so Chewie can celebrate “Life Day” with his family – his wife Mallatobuck (Malla), his son Lumpawarrump (Lumpy), and his dad Attichitcuk (Itchy). Unfortunately, they’re being pursued by Imperials, making their journey difficult. Malla is getting worried, and calls Luke and Leia to see if either of them has seen them. Then to make matters worse, the Empire has declared martial law on Kashyyyk, meaning no one can get on or off the planet. The worst part is that Wookies don’t speak Basic (there was one in the novel Heir to the Empire that had a speech impediment, so he could, but that’s neither here nor there), so there are long sections where there’s no dialogue, just Wookie speak. If that’s not enough to make you long for the antics of Jar Jar, nothing will.

There are also guest stars aplenty here. Art Carney stars as Saun Dann, a human trader who is a close friend of the family, and a member of the Alliance. He visits the house, and helps out when two Imperial officers and a couple of Stormtroopers show up looking for Rebels. Bea Arthur plays a cantina owner who sings a song to get her patrons out of the bar. Diahann Carroll appears as a holographic fantasy for Itchy, in a sequence that just goes from family entertainment to creepy, bordering on bestiality. Jefferson Starship perform a song in a holographic projector. And Harvey Korman plays three different roles, which shows that even the great Harvey Korman could do wrong. Funny as he was, he seems out of place in this, coming off less than his usual brilliant self. Even Carrie Fisher gets in the act with a song, and even now, I find myself wanting to curl up in the fetal position and find my happy place (Carrie Fisher in a gold bikini, now that’s entertainment).

There is a lot of recycled footage from Star Wars used here, mostly cut into the scenes of Han and Chewie in the Falcon trying to get home. There is also footage of Vader walking while talking with Chief Bast, which brings into question whether or not he survived the destruction of the Death Star (later works would address this, claiming he did escape). Han and Chewie do finally make it back, and it ends with the Wookies all walking through space wearing red Snoogies, all to gather at the “Tree of Life”. Then, Chewie and family sit down to enjoy a nice meal.

"It’s a torture much akin to being digested by the Sarlacc"

The only real highlight to this special was an animated segment (made by Nelvana, the company that would go on to produce the Droids and Ewoks animated series in the 80s). It features Han and Chewie crashing on an ocean planet, and being saved by Boba Fett (in his first pre-Empire appearance). Luke arrives on the scene, and finds that Han has been poisoned, and the only cure is in town. He takes Chewbacca with him, and avoid Stormtroopers to get the cure. There, he distracts Chewie long enough to contact Darth Vader, telling him he has the Falcon and its crew. Unfortunately for him, R2-D2 and C-3PO intercept the transmission, and reveal who Fett is to Han and Luke. Fett escapes, telling them they would meet again.

Again, I love bad cinema. Some of my favorite movies are, at best, Z-level films. But this special...well, this is the sort of thing you play for criminals in lieu of capital punishment. I can sit and defend my love for the Prequels when others simply dismiss them. I have proven time and again that no matter how kooky Lucas can get with his film franchise, I will come running like a loyal puppy every time. And yet, I can’t defend this. I know that Lucas didn’t have much input into the project, and it shows. But then, knowing that George was also the one responsible for Gungans and Jake Lloyd, maybe it was a good thing he wasn’t involved. But I’m certain there was someone out there that could have made a special that would have honored Star Wars, and been revered by fans and critics alike. But alas, we got this bucket of suck, a blemish on the epic saga that millions have loved for decades. If you are a true, die hard fan, by all means, go and watch it. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s a torture much akin to being digested by the Sarlacc.

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