A debut feature that may need to talk its way into the bargain bin...

Cousins James and Adam Abadi, tackle the hypocrisy of the music business with their first feature The Story Of F***, an ambitious but unfortunately unsuccessful satire.

Starting with the Hunter S. Thompson quotation “The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs” is misleading, suggesting The Story Of F*** might actually be a quality flick – an idea that is quickly dispelled after the early introduction of part narrator and front of the talentless band, Herman J Berman and the Sophisticated Light Orchestra.

Our other lead is the marginally more sympathetic music talent agent, Lewis Sipricosh. Having suffered a near death experienced and the desertion of the love of his life, Lewis hasn't signed anyone for two years. Lewis seems prone to bad lack, having his phone and car stolen, being abducted and nearly getting his “knob blow-torched off”. For him as “one door closes another one slams in [his] face” - that is until work experience girl, Daisy is assigned to his office and the “phone is ringing off the hook”.

With a plot to avenge Lewis' scheming and immoral rivals within the company, Daisy is Lewis' saviour and responsible for the hype around Herman's new rebranded band, F***, reportedly the “greatest Rock n' Roll band in the world” that no-one has ever heard. The rest is all pretty predictable and involves a series of preposterous back-stories blatantly attempting to be funny – the source of band member Baz's wig-wearing, Angus' (Desire Dabounet) past...

"Terrible tongue-in-cheek acting accompanies these failed attempts at humour"

The rest of the humour is clearly personal to the cousins Abadi and was probably inspired by a series of drunken nights spent in their local. Priests and Rabbis fighting, nuns involved in a shoot out, three-balled Dave who looks remarkably like Lewis, the VVVIP room, only 6.33% of the artist being revealed before debut and a bag system for sex with ugly pulls probably all seemed like good ideas after quite a few pints but in the sober light of day are merely cringe-inducing.

The script also tries to be funny but is generally far too obvious to raise a laugh.“It's all there in black and white” says Sidney Silverstein brandishing, yes you guessed it, monochrome pictures. The old dumb Yankee stereotype is pointlessly played on: “Hey there – we're Americans from America,” yell a van full of beauties. As soon as Angus is introduced, the waiting game begins, so it's almost a relief when s/he says “I could be your sister or your brother” and our villain exclaims: “the Chick's got a dick... filly's got a willy”. And of course it's inevitable they'll be numerous plays on the band's name: “You the fuck are fuck”. The best line, if there is one, comes from Lewis: “Saying there's a small problem is like saying the elephant man has sore eyes.”

Terrible tongue-in-cheek acting accompanies these failed attempts at humour. A cast of has-beens ex- stars and TV actors flounder, possibly because of poor scripting. Herman's appallingly fake Indian accent is just as embarrassing as the unnecessary appearance of Pete Bennett playing Pete Bennett. Due to the low budget nature of The Story Of F***, there is blatant use of the entire cast in the launch party scene. Trying to ram so many unfunny gags and near recognisable faces into one film does at least make for an entertaining game of place the B-lister.

Despite being filmed in Hungary, The Story Of F*** somehow manages to look like everything was shot on set with its fake live studio feel. To their credit Abadi squared at least experiment with cinematography and structuring, breaking the story up into decimaled time segments and taking off the Reservoir Dogs slow walk-in and Lock Stock's camera whooshing style. Imitating silent movies in the story of “Two Gun Ike” and tacky Americanised satellite TV adverts also provide some variety and there are a few mildly funny moments as the crowd of adoring “fans” chant “f***” and a family sing mid-sex Birthday wishes: “For she's a jolly good slapper”, afterwards all saying “c**t” for the camera.

Despite the odd moment of light-relief, The Story Of F*** like Spice World is ultimately an unfortunate time-waste-of-an-evening. The only way to endure such torture is to play the predictions drinking game but be careful to avoid having your stomach pumped. Sure the bad guys get their comeuppance but this manages to even be devoid of any satisfaction and a short running time virtually leads to eyes rolling from their sockets. In creating “f***” the intention is to kill the myth of hype - watching this diabolical first feature it seems unlikely to receive any such hype.

Director/Writer: James Abadi, Adam Abadi
Studio: Network Releasing
Price: £15.99
Running Time: 84 mins
Certificate: 15
Starring: Finlay Robertson, Tamsin Egerton, Jo Absolom, Ameet Channa, Andrew Thomas Jones, Pete Bennett, Desire Dubounet

The Story Of F*** is released today.