A new show apparently so determined to intrigue that they gave the editors acid...

In the grand tradition of premiere episodes, we now meet the main characters: Sean Walker, our twenty-something protagonist. Leila Buchanan, his gorgeous girlfriend. Simon Lee, a Man In Black employed by an indeterminate agency for the forces of good? Or perhaps evil. Sophia, the leader of the resistance? Or perhaps the invasion. And President Elias Martinez, an African American president, with an adorable family and an ethnic name (obviously fictional).

The way the characters jumped back and forth through time was so frickin' annoying; we'll allow the temporal cuts for the pilot, but only because they have promised that answers are forthcoming, and they aren't going to 'Lost' us until 2015. Fingers Crossed! Also annoying: they didn't give us anybody's names until more than halfway through the show! But my fingers cramp up by typing "That Guy With the ________" (gun, handcuffs, halitosis, etc.) so I'm giving you the names right up front. The next paragraph is a short version, in chronological order - check out the scene-by-scene following; it's an exercise in 'to make a short story long'.

In chronological order, here's what happened. 13 months ago, a new president was sworn in - Elias Martinez. Someone (they don't say who) is caught (presumably by the government) and is going to give information about the Event in order to buy his freedom. This prompts Simon Lee (MIB) to visit Sophia, one of the prisoners in Mount Inostraka, for a heads-up. Shortly thereafter the president receives information regarding Mount Inostraka, a secret detainment center run by the CIA. When the President confronts the head of the CIA, Director Sterling, he tries to dissuade the President from closing down the center, but instead the President goes for a visit and meets Sophia, who is apparently the leader of the prisoners.

Then, 11 days back, Sean Walker and his girlfriend Leila Buchanan go on a cruise where Sean intends to propose. Instead, after being sidelined suspiciously by another couple, Leila goes missing, as does all trace of Sean & Leila on the boat. 23 minutes ago, Sean Walker boards a plane trying to talk Leila's dad out of using the airplane and everyone on it in an assassination attempt on the President, who is about to start the press conference revealing the existence of and closure of the Mount Inostraka detainment camp.

NOW: Sean fails, but as the plane is coming dangerously close to dive-bombing the President's home, it disappears in a ball of white light, prompting all of the newspeople on the ground to both 'ooh' and 'aah'. Sophia then tells the President that she hasn't told him everything... and roll credits.

The way they showed it...

2:00 PM. A newscaster is screaming, and the wind or something is blowing the camera around. Everyone is screaming and secret service people are running.

23 minutes earlier (see what I mean?) Sean Walker is sick in a restroom, and the stewardess escorts him to his seat. He left a blue thing sticking out of the bathroom garbage can. He looks anxiously out the window and sees a bunch of MIB's running through the airport, and a big black truck chasing the airplane.

11 days earlier. Sean Walker and his gorgeous blonde girlfriend are preparing to go on a cruise. Her mom and dad are helping her get ready. Aw, her mom was the evil popular girl from Romy and Michelle! And more recently married to John Lithgow's freaky serial killer on Dexter. Here's hoping she gets a happier ending on this show!

Back to airplane! Once it takes off, Sean Walker runs to the front of the plane and pulls a gun on the stewardess, demanding to get into the cockpit. Simon Lee (MIB) in the black truck calls air control to stop the plane, telling them that there's a terrorist on the plane, but as air control tries to ground it all the electronics go out! Spooky!

13 months earlier (augh!) at Mount Inostraka Alaska. Simon Lee is anxiously talking to a redheaded woman. He tells her they found him after all this time, and he will trade information for his freedom - he's going to tell them about the Event. Dun dun DUN. Awesome, can I be there? Could someone tell ME about the Event? Red Sophia says no, we have to protect ourselves, do whatever it takes. A guard comes up to escort Simon Lee out and another helps Sophia stand up revealing her hands in handcuffs and chains - she's a prisoner!

Back to the plane! Black truck races a jet, the tension is building, oh, the jet wins! Directly following takeoff, Sean Walker is inside the plane holding the stewardess hostage. He starts banging on the cockpit door, shouting, "You don't have to do this!" The stewardess can't get him into the cockpit and gets him on the phone to the pilot, but an air marshal jumps up and orders Sean Walker to put down the gun! (Where was the air marshal this whole time? The other bathroom? Coach? Mount Inostraka? On a cruise ship?)

8 days earlier - on a cruise ship. Then on a beach! Then with a ring! Then hiking! (Seriously, the jumping from one scene to the next is so fast here. Nothing actually happens though; which makes me think that they just had to justify the on-site filming expense.) Anyway, Sean Walker is just about to propose to Leila on the hike when they hear someone calling for help! They run to the rescue. A girl has fallen in the water; her boyfriend can't jump in to get her because he has a broken arm in a cast. Sean jumps in and saves the girl. Hooray! They have drinks with Debbie Drowner and her boyfriend and are succumbing to peer pressure. Come snorkeling with us! Do shots with us! Back on the cruise ship, very drunk Sean and Leila agree to have a romantic dinner the next night and the engagement ring goes back in the safe.

Back on the plane! Sean tells the air marshal to go to the cockpit and a shot rings out! The plane tips to one side! I'm never flying again!

Flash to Michael Buchanan, gorgeous girl's dad, doing that washing-face-in-very-stressed-manner thing that people do all the time on TV lately. (I think they actually teach it in acting class. Splash water... pause. Stare in mirror. Pause. Grab towel. Dab water off face and then throw towel down, angrily.)

Anyway, why is he so stressed out?

8 days earlier. When Mom and Dad call Leila from home they send her adorable little sister outside where she is nabbed by the men in black gloves! And hats! And the MIB's run into the room where Michael Buchanan and Romy's nemesis are drinking wine. A shot rings out!

Back on the plane - Michael Buchanan is the pilot!

The air marshal asks Sean what the hell is going on? Sean tries to get the air marshal to get him in the cockpit but the door is locked, fighter jets on either side are closing in, and Sean's only hope is to tell us what is going on. But instead ...

7 days earlier, back to the cruise. Sean Walker and Debbie Drowner are snorkeling (sorry, but wouldn't a near-drowning experience yesterday followed by drowning your sorrows in Lemon Drop shots enough put you off of snorkeling?). Leila had to stay home because of the hangover and Debbie's boyfriend because of the cast, so Sean and Debbie Drowner are snorkeling alone. Sean goes back to his room and his key card doesn't work, and nobody answers when he knocks. He goes to the desk to get a new card and finds the room registered to another couple, who are super pissed when Sean busts into their room calling for Leila and freaking out. Back at the desk he escalates to a Level Three freakout. He calls Leila's cell (not in service) and her mom and dad (one of whom is not in service, judging by the broken wine glass and beringed hand in a pool of blood). Ship security goes to escort Sean out and he makes a run for it.

Flashback to a meeting with the President's advisors including Director Sterling (the creepy guy from Heroes, and Magister from True Blood, and evil, evil JJ from the last season of Big Love. I'm pretty sure his IMDB page reads "creepy guy 1996-present"). President Martinez has somehow discovered the existence of the facility of Mount Inostraka, and he wants to hold a press conference announcing that he's closing it. All of his super creepy advisors are against it. (If only there were an actual facility that our awkwardly named black president wanted to close and was advised against.)

About thirteen months ago (again!) he was informed of the existence of the Mount Inostraka facility under mysterious circumstances - the CIA runs the facility and withheld information from the President. (13 months ago was when Simon Lee met with Sophia at Mount Inostraka. Did Simon or Sophia tip off the Pres?) The President wants to go there in person. And he does! Air Force One lands, the detainees are assembled and the President says, but doesn't really say, "Take me to your leader." I so wish he did though. Anyway, the leader is Red Sophia.

Back to the newscasters from the beginning of the show. The President and Sophia are about to have the aforementioned press conference about closing the Mount Inostraka facility. Suddenly the secret service are running toward him, screaming for him to evacuate. They get him into a van with his wife and kids and the airplane is heading straight for them!

Back on the plane! Sean is trying to talk Leila's dad out of driving the airplane into the President's press conference. The fighter jet that is tailing them has its systems jammed and cannot fire. Suddenly a bright white light envelops the plane and it disappears! The plane and the light are gone. Everyone is okay and Sophia says, "They saved us!" The president asks, "Who?" and Sophia responds, "I haven't told you everything." Roll Credits.

Dear producers, please stop the jumping through time. It makes me not care about any of the characters. It's like FlashForward - there were some compelling characters and story lines in FlashForward, but too many of them to care. I know we're the ADD generation, but if everyone only gets 25 seconds of our time, who cares? Focus, people! I also hate that Sean Walker had a gun on the plane. I know that it was to make us wonder if he's a bad guy, but it was stupid; if he wanted to ground the plane he could have done it by walking on the plane and yelling, "Hey, the pilot's been dropping acid!" Even if he had to get on the plane and let it take off for some contrivance, he could have tried to access the pilot without a gun. Ridiculous, this contrivance, and it makes me feel a little dirty, as if I had some part in it.

Next week on The Event - answers! Information! Perhaps even... the Event? Hooray!

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