John has been saving himself for this two-episode review of the Doctor Who series finale...

September 1979: A five-year-old boy is about to watch his first ever Doctor Who story proper. However, he’s rudely interrupted by a youngish man, who silently walks over.

“Who are you?” asks the boy.

“Oh, I’m you,” replies the man. “In about 30-odd years time. I just thought I’d pay you a visit for a laugh.”

“Really?” asks the boy. “Do you have your own TARDIS?”

“No, better than that, it’s a dream. Dreams kind of link in with the real world. Anyway, I can’t be long – I have to get up in about five minutes time. So to quickly answer your questions: No, you won’t have Eric Morecambe specs all your life – contact lenses are a godsend! Yes, you will get married to the woman of your dreams. And yes, you will end up writing about Doctor Who.

“On that subject, remember – really, remember. There’s a two-parter called The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang. So remember, just remember to give it another chance after you see the story for the first time. Always let the child in you appreciate it rather than the boring grown-up analyst. Remember, OK?”

“OK,” says the boy. “What about the one that’s on in a moment?”

“Oh that one?” says the man. “Classic. Look out for the Ronnie Corbett look-alike professor doing a bad impression of John Travolta at the end of Part Three before getting aged horribly to a skeleton.”

And with that, the man disappears.

June 2010: Was that a dream? God knows that the sunny weather has been playing tricks on the mind. It’s certainly been playing tricks with the viewing figures for the latest series finale of Doctor Who. The Big Bang was more of a muffled whimper, ratings-wise, with people choosing barbeques and long hot summer nights rather than the climatic tale of the Raggedy Doctor.

See, that’s where my VCR comes in handy (sorry, poor finances mean that a swanky DVD recorder is out of the question), and to be honest, a story as complex as The Pandorica Bang (let’s call it that for simplicity’s sake) needs to be rewatched more than once to actually appreciate its greatness.

And I’ll be brutally honest. First time around, I thought the story was a bit of a letdown. Too many smug catchphrases. Too many unanswered questions. Too many get-out clauses. Too many people being killed and then coming back to life again. And all the time in my head, there’s someone saying: “Remember. Remember to look at Doctor Who as if you’re five, not 35.”

So the second time around I try it again. And then I get it. And that’s because I’ve been looking at it without my pea-sized brain trying to over-analyse every single scrap of plot detail and reference to the past. Instead, I’m rewarded with an intricate story that alternates between brainbox clever and emotional, not to mention the usual strong performances from the leads and strong direction from Who newcomer Toby Haynes.

So let’s look at The Pandorica Bang from the point of view the first time around. Season finales normally always put me in a sceptical frame of mind. They tend to be everything-but-the-kitchen-sink affairs with more emphasis on flashy visual spectacle rather than good storytelling. Past efforts such as the Master three-parter and the Dalek/Davros saga contained more cop-outs and non-sequiturs than is humanly possible. And from the outset, the concept of The Pandorica Bang could have followed in this style.

"It’s the We Are The World of Big Bads. Or Bad Aid, if you like"

The world and his wife certainly turn out to trap The Doctor in The Pandorica. Daleks. Cybermen. Sontarans. Autons. Sycorax. Weevils (Really??). You can imagine kids up and down the country drawing a collective gasp at the sheer menagerie of monsters on the same screen. It’s the We Are The World of Big Bads. Or Bad Aid, if you like. Problem is, out of them all, only the Daleks and the Cybermen get a chance to shine. There’s a great little battle between Amy and a dismembered Cyberman that includes a cool bit with a charred skull falling out of the metal helmet. And the Daleks get to come back in the second half when a calcified Dalek turns up to surprisingly exterminate The Doctor. Other than that, I got the impression that Bad Aid was only there to create a big, memorable spectacle, which it did very nicely. It was also great to see Christopher Ryan carry on the tradition of Kevin Lindsay in portraying a different Sontaran warrior to Staal. Mind you, the idea of all The Doctor’s foes coming together to trap him is a bit far-fetched, especially since most of them would probably enjoy wiping each other out – think of the Daleks vs the Cybermen in Doomsday.

Come on five-year-old John, don’t think about the setbacks all the time.

But what about the same old catchphrases cropping up all the time like a bad Simpsons episode? As if it’s not bad enough that River Song keeps on smugly pouting “Spoilers!” or “Hello Sweetie!” we also have my least favourite supporting character of the season returning briefly with her weary old “Oym the blaaahhdy Queen” signature. And I’d thought that they’d dispensed with the “Geronimo!” catchphrase, but no.

Or how about the Get Out Of Jail Free cards? Let’s see. The death of Rory aside in Cold Blood, at the end of The Pandorica Opens, The Doctor’s trapped, Amy’s dead and the universe is falling apart. By the end of The Big Bang, guess what? All of these problems have been solved. Rory coming back from the dead, I’m still not sold on, since it makes the impact of Cold Blood’s ending somewhat redundant now – by the end of the episode, he’s back travelling with his new wife and The Doctor.

Who also should be dead. Amy was shot by an Auton, but was miraculously kept alive in The Pandorica. The Doctor too suffered at the egg whisk of a calcified Dalek, and by the end, he looked to have been erased from history altogether, with nothing but an empty TARDIS diary to remember him by. OK, so the Dalek wasn’t quite at full power so I’ll just about overlook the fact that The Doctor manages to crawl back to the Pandorica. And inevitably, The Doctor and Amy get to survive – the papers and the websites have already said that both Matt Smith and Karen Gillan are going on to film the next series in July, so having them leap around in excitement around the TARDIS console at the end of The Big Bang shouldn’t be any great surprise. Nevertheless, it’s still a bit of a cheat to keep threatening to kill off the leads and bring them back to life again.

"The most disappointing aspect of The Pandorica Bang for me was the pile of unanswered questions that were unresolved"

But the most disappointing aspect of The Pandorica Bang for me was the pile of unanswered questions that were unresolved. What is The Silence? Who was the mysterious voice that said: “Silence will fall?” at the end of the first part? What caused the TARDIS to explode? Will we ever get to find out who River Song actually is? Well, yes, probably in the next series or two, but it would have been better if these arcs weren’t so protracted. It’s all very well hooking the viewers and the fans, but in the end it was a bit of a cop-out to have The Doctor ponder on all these mysteries and leave them hanging in the air.

OK, five-year-old John, come on, think of good things to say. Remember to remember…

Good thing that I sat through the story again, since all the ingredients that make Doctor Who great really come through. The plot, while undeniably complex, is ingeniously thought out, while making sense not just in this story, but in the whole season. The sequences of The Doctor using the time vortex manipulator to pop to various destinations and leave clues to help his future self and Amy is meticulously planned, and what’s more allows the Time Lord to don a fez. So now, the fez is cool, something that only Tommy Cooper and Steely Dan could ever appreciate. What’s more, the notion of The Doctor going back through his own timeline to try to get Amy to remember is also very well worked out – and finally, that throwaway scene in Flesh And Stone is explained. The mysterious jacket finally makes sense, and as most suspected, was too obvious to be an onscreen gaffe.

"He’s a canny one, that Moffat. He has the ability to turn your expectations upside down with just one flourish of the pen"

He’s a canny one, that Moffat. He has the ability to turn your expectations upside down with just one flourish of the pen. And that’s what makes The Pandorica Bang so effective. The Pandorica itself is thought to be a prison for the most evil being in the universe, but just when you think that Omega or a horde of Daleks are going to be unleashed, in fact it’s all a cunning trap for The Doctor’s foes to imprison him. OK, the idea of Bad Aid may be a bit far-fetched, but the idea of The Doctor being the cause of the Crack is still an effective twist in the story.

What’s more effective is the way in which Moffat changes gears halfway through. Instead of being a lavish, visual spectacular, The Big Bang is curiously smaller in scale. There are no big guest names, not even Philip Madoc, Joanna Page or Jason Isaacs (Malfoy’s Dad). There is only a lone Dalek to give The Doctor grief. Instead, it’s a close study of both sacrifice and how faith and love will always save the day.

The Doctor faces the harsh reality of being erased from history, and this is all brought home to roost in the sweet scene in which he looks back at his time with Amy. Talking to the infant version of Amy, The Doctor sadly prepares to make another sacrifice in his long life, and both Moffat’s writing and Matt Smith’s performance really emphasise the weight of the world on the Time Lord’s shoulders. However, it’s Amy’s love for The Doctor (no, not that sort of love) that causes her to remember “Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. Something blue” which is just a genius quote. And luckily, when The Doctor wins against the great odds, this time it feels like a moving moment rather than a roll-your-eyes one.

And the great quotes keep coming thick and fast. “Are you just saying "yes" because you're scared of me?” “Well, we are running into a dead end, where I'll have a brilliant plan, which basically involves not being there anymore.” Doctor: “Amelia, from now on I shall be leaving the kissing duties to the brand new Mr. Pond.” Rory: “No, I'm not Mr. Pond, that's not how it works.” The Doctor: “Yes it is.” Rory: “...Yeah. It is.” OK, so there may be the odd smug quote here and there, but The Pandorica Bang still demonstrates Moffat’s gift for witty scriptwriting.

Writing aside, the direction is fantastic. Toby Haynes’ debut on the show sets the bar quite high if he ever chooses to return. The visuals are very impressive, notably in the Stonehenge sequences when The Doctor talks to the aliens and the final heart-thumping slow-motion moments of the first part. Cool Star Wars screen wipes and camera angles throughout too.

And the acting by the regulars again caps off the whole shebang. Alex Kingston is good, but I’ve still yet to warm to River Song. Caitlin Blackwood makes a welcome return as Young Amy and her scenes give a nice book-ending feel to the opening of the season. Arthur Darvill gives his best performance as Rory, especially in the scenes when he struggles between his human memories and his Auton self. Rory still may be a bit of a gormless spare wheel, but at least he gets something of a happy ending.

"Looking for all the great things about Who rather than the nit-picky ones finally put my concerns about the finale to bed"

Both Karen Gillan and Matt Smith carry on with the good work, turning in some stellar performances. Gillan’s facial expressions always tell the story, whether it’s uncomprehending shock at being shot or that sad, lost look when she struggles to remember The Doctor. Matt Smith also gets some great moments, notably the aforementioned speech to little Amelia and his final desperate pleas to the aliens at the end of the first part. And his “dancing” to Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen has to be seen to be believed. Put it this way, it makes my pathetic dancing attempts look half convincing. But it’s still pure comedy gold that only nudges in behind the Birthday Cake scene of The Vampires Of Venice as Funniest Moment Of The Season.

Well done, my five-year-old self. Looking for all the great things about Who rather than the nit-picky ones finally put my concerns about the finale to bed. OK, The Pandorica Bang isn’t perfect, but it’s got wit. It’s got intelligence. It’s got neat ideas. And it’s got heart. And it’s still further proof positive that Doctor Who is, was and always will be the best ever show on TV.

Roll on the space age Orient Express and the Egyptian goddess!

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