Was the entire budget spent on the title, in this devilishly resistable release..?

Burlesque dwarfs, Pervo The Clown, wheel-bound zombies, arse tassels, plenty of scantily-clad ladies, bucket-loads of gore and a freakish family-run cult all promise classic B movie horror. With this in mind, Zombie Women Of Satan was approached perilously disregarding the exceedingly negative reviews its premiere received after Fright Night Film Festival.

Zombie Women Of Satan follows Fleshorama, a tacky burlesque freak show troupe, who venture deep into the countryside to record a promotional interview on internet channel, Rorke TV. Inside the electrified compounds of the Zander family farm, they stumble across a scientific experiment gone horribly wrong, causing all the female cult members to froth at the mouth, bleed from every orifice (yes, including their nipples) and crave each other's flesh.

The story is hardly original nor are the cliched plot devices used like the lack of phone signal or touching sub-story, whereby one of the gothic cabaret members reunited with her long-lost sister refuses to “lose” her again. Our freakishly bloodthirsty family are naturally into a spot of incest and are so poorly acted they fail to menace. The father figure, Henry, is a picture of rural normality yet tests his zombie subject, asking her the colours of the rainbow and capital of England, taunting “You wouldn't be much good in a pub quiz” when she unsurprisingly fails to answer. His wife if chained up next door covered in blood yelling “cock sucker” and touch me”.

Meanwhile favourite daughter, Red, watches over a house of girls existing to satisfy the sexual appetite of her brother Tycho, all wearing white underwear lying about drugged or playing pool, table football and arcade games. Having discarded previous identities, they are known only as letters of the alphabet: “We're all a collective consciousness – a universal mind”.

Unfortunately our colourful heroes merely look good on paper: Dwarf, Zeus, acts as an assistant; Harmony Star is a burlesque dancer; Damage is “Master of Pain”; Pervo is obsessed with “magic” wank time and Johnny, their compere/manager keeps it all together – sadly none of them are any more captivating than the villains. In a film where even an extra claiming to feel safe looks terrified, it's hard to feel anything for any of the “characters” but loathing. Hard arse rock chick singer, Sky, is the only glimmer of light – a poor man's Zoe Bell wannabe but at least bordering on likeable.

The jokey music that accompanies the opening credits is a good indication of how seriously this film should be taken, as is the appearance of the production company name, Growling Clown Entertainment. Unfortunately whether Warren Speed's tongue is stapled firmly to both cheek has no bearing on this torturously dire film that seems to drag out endlessly, despite its short running time.

Attempts at humour are easily split into two camps – toilet gags and painfully obvious sexual innuendos. Pervo and Johnny's unrelenting bickering is clearly trying to raise a chuckle and might if you are a 15 year-old boy obsessed with farts, experimenting with new swear words and “tits”: “Fuck off or I'll fucking piss in your bed” threatens one while the other retaliates: “I'll fucking shit on you and wipe it”.

The script appears to have been “written” by teenage boys in competition to include the most inventive ludicrous swear word combinations. Instead of any vaguely realistic reactions to the first zombie sightings, characters reflect on the appearance of the diseased, joyously exclaiming “titty heaven” and “fucking great tits though”. Accompanying boob fixated lines are hilarious ones like: “You're about as cool as a freshly laid turd” and Tycho's carefully placed instruction “enjoy the sounds of nature” preceding a loud fart noise.

Zombie Women Of Satan just tries far too hard. The farcical hotel sequence involving a wellied-up Pervo and an endless queue of topless girls wearing gas masks, clearly tried to titillate in a twisted Carry On sort of way while a later scene where Henry asks Tycho if he fancies “having sex with a zombie? - all in the name of science” is merely attempting to shock.

The camera work is in perfect keeping with all other elements of this embarrassing production. Repeated diagonal shots from the ground try to create an eerie effect but look nothing more than amateur, while slow-motion group shots trying to be funny are merely annoyingly cliched. The only convincing shot in the whole film is a close-up of a zombie bleeding from the eyes.

It's easy to see that influences of the man predominantly responsible for this stinker include Rob Zombie, Terry Gilliam and Guillermo Del Toro. Perhaps instead of trying to create a frankly insulting visual homage to these heroes, Warren Speed should have drawn on his own inspiration – a terrifying prospect we may have to contend with in his next project, “Dr Clockface”.

Special Features:

· Original advert
· Stills Gallery
· Interview with Warren Speed
· Film commentary with Warren Speed and Michelle Bailey

As far as extras go, those accompanying Zombie Women Of Satan are actually mildly more enjoyable than the feature. The trailer somehow manages to successfully sell this appalling production while stills set to female angst metal song “Rock Me Like a Zombie”, remind us that the cast probably at least had fun making this.

In the interview Warren Speed is questioned by Michelle Bailey who plays various zombie women, providing the most carefully articulated intro you'll possibly ever see and unfortunately confirming any suspicions that he's out to make a franchise and maybe even a “Zombie Men Of Satan”. But even more disturbingly he claims to be “more than happy with the [end] result” and probably fairly accurately describes the moral of the film: “If you are going to have a shit in the woods, make sure you're going to take some bog roll”. The commentary is highly unnecessary and very stilted as Warren and Michelle more informally have a chat, reflecting on memories of making the film.

Director: Steve O'Brien, Warren Speed
Starring: Warren Speed, Victoria Hopkins, Marysia Kay, Peter Bonner, Seymour Leon Mace, Bill Fellows, Kathy Paul, Kate Soulsby, Christian Steel
Writer: Steve O'Brien, Warren Speed, Seymour Leon Mace
Studio: Revolver Entertainment
Region: 2
Release Date: June 21 2010
Running Time: 85 mins
Certificate: 18
Retail Price: From £7.49

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